So I deleted all the posts that contained information about my ex a while back, I can't remember why I did, but I'll give a run down of what happened then get into the long story about where I am today.
We met in july of 2012, we talked for 4 months before meeting. Everything was great between us, we felt a real connection. Her parents however were extremely controlling, they didn't like having the feeling someone could take their baby away. The looked for any little reason to nit pick at us being together and saying I'm a bad guy, eventually it got to my ex and we broke up.
In the haste I done some pretty screwed up things, things I regret and wish I could take back. But I know this is just something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. There is no apologizing, there is no making amends. It will be a burden on my mind until the day I die.
After us breaking up I fell into hard times, some of the hardest of my life. I started drinking, cutting myself, I attempted suicide 8 times. I eventually moved back to my dads so I could cope and not do something stupid again. I stopped talking for weeks at a time, could barely eat. I couldn't work or do anything. After 8 months I started getting better but I wasn't the same anymore.
I went back home and it was tough, her memories still raided my mind every space in my house. But I learned to deal, I had to start taking sleeping meds or I couldn't sleep at all. I was getting maybe 6 hours a week before I started taking them. After years of begging for help I finally took it upon myself to get antidepressants. I was on them for 8 months, they helped a lot but I started feeling dependant on them. So I quit taking them cold turkey. I had withdrawals but I knew it was best to stop.
Ever since my first suicide attempt I haven't been the same. Maybe it was the blood loss to my brain that killed cells, I don't know. But I know I'm just not the same anymore and haven't been for the past year and a half. I can't remember where I put things, words I say, it has changed my personality but that is partly because of all the stuff I've dealt with too. It is hard to describe, but I no longer feel attached to myself after my attempt.
I had my wreck in the midst of all that and lost my truck. Ended up totalling $18k in debt not counting my truck. Even though it wasn't my fault, insurance wouldn't pay me anything. I had 6 months off work, bills pilled up and got nothing except pain and my life going downhill. Going through two lawyers didn't help me any, nobody cared, like that surprises me.
I ended up having to file bankruptcy, my credit was already ruined. I spent three years building to 750, paying everything on time and in one move by a dumbass my life plan had changed. Not my credit score is 580 and I just went to court last week. Work being slow, dealing with stuff I shouldn't have been made me quit my job.
Now here I am unemployed, borrowing money every week from my grandma just to pay bills. I never wanted to borrow from her but I have no choice now. I have applied to over 30 places the past month and no leads yet.
Now to the other half of the story at this time, I met about 10 girls in person. 2 became official and I had sex with 3 of them. I felt something with the last one after talking to nearly 100 after my ex broke up. I felt like we really could've went somewhere. But she done the same thing my ex did and that is something I can't forgive, cheating.
I broke up with her and it literally killed me. I have no desire to be with anyone any more, I'm essentially done. I have learned something throughtout all of this. I'm not near as good a person as I once thought, nobody wants to be with me and I'm a burden.
Right now I am not being productive with anything, I am depressed, jobless, single, no friends, borrowing money every week. Honestly the world would be better off with me gone. If I could get rid of the fear of no knowing what comes next at that last moment I would be. I'm nothing but a problem, no matter how hard I try or what I do. I just cannot get ahead in life.
For every stride I think I take I get knocked down. It has been this way all my life and I'm tired of it. I'm becoming bitter, hateful, furious. I wish every night for someone to die or myself. I just want to go to bed and not wake up, I'm tired of living life this way. Having a dream and fighting for it to only get nowhere, farther back than where I started now. I wish those suicide doctors were still legal because I would go to one.
I have sold everything I can, I have exhausted every resource and chance I can get and nothing is changing. My life is just going downhill more and more. What will I do? If what I am now is the result of the past few years what will I become before I die? That scares me and I don't want to live to see it.
Friday, July 4, 2014
Thursday, June 28, 2012
update 9-18-11
Well I don't remember what I wrote so ill just wing it. Things got worse, alot worse. Between my aunt, uncle and I they secluded me. Never were their hatred for me so clear. I started going to my room at 4pm and not coming out till the morning for work. When I was around them I always felt tension, over the last 2 months. I got to point into life where I'm not taking shit from anyone and I'm not helping people who think they're entitled to it anymore.
I had nobody and nothing the last few weeks I was there. They made me dread coming home because they would bitch about how I should've worked longer. They made me feel guilty about eating anything. I got a computer from my Grandma, an old one I helped her replace. I started playing a game and felt great. I had something to look forward to. After using it a week the hard drive failed. So I lost all I had, in terms of contentment. Shortly before this happened my cousin started bringing his gf over.
Now let me backup and say that in the basement is an entertainment area, where games and parties are thrown. None of which I'm ever involved in but that's beside the point. During the winter we took the game system upstairs because it was cold in the basement. Now mind you I have no internet, no cell connection, no cable, and nothing but playing my guitar to do in the basement. So naturally I watched TV in the living room. Now everybody else has TVs. Etc in their rooms. My cousin and his gf and his best friend. The one I hate. Wanted to play the game. So I said after I finish watching the show I would let them. After which I did. Now for the next 2 days it was the same shit. Me coming home letting them play and me having nothing to do. So the next time they asked I told them to take it downstairs as I was watching a show and I'd be going to my room in a few hours.
I had nobody and nothing the last few weeks I was there. They made me dread coming home because they would bitch about how I should've worked longer. They made me feel guilty about eating anything. I got a computer from my Grandma, an old one I helped her replace. I started playing a game and felt great. I had something to look forward to. After using it a week the hard drive failed. So I lost all I had, in terms of contentment. Shortly before this happened my cousin started bringing his gf over.
Now let me backup and say that in the basement is an entertainment area, where games and parties are thrown. None of which I'm ever involved in but that's beside the point. During the winter we took the game system upstairs because it was cold in the basement. Now mind you I have no internet, no cell connection, no cable, and nothing but playing my guitar to do in the basement. So naturally I watched TV in the living room. Now everybody else has TVs. Etc in their rooms. My cousin and his gf and his best friend. The one I hate. Wanted to play the game. So I said after I finish watching the show I would let them. After which I did. Now for the next 2 days it was the same shit. Me coming home letting them play and me having nothing to do. So the next time they asked I told them to take it downstairs as I was watching a show and I'd be going to my room in a few hours.
6-28-12
Could you imagine what it's like to have everyone in your life betray you? Have no respect for you. When all you have given them is the best of yourself. Could you imagine the constant doubt that comes with betrayal for years? Could you imagine how hard it is to make new friends, when in the back of your head there's a voice saying
" They will betray you. They are lying. You will never see them again. They don't care."
My mother, The person I thought was my friend. Abused me for years, neglected school work. Had miserable living conditions that would've been condemned had authorities been notified. Constantly manipulating for her own personal gain. Complete disregard for her kids.
My Aunt, The next person I though was my friend. More manipulative than my mother. For years I let her come to me when she needed help with anything she couldn't do. I never asked for a thing. I assumed I earned respect and when the time would come she would be there for me. I test this one time and she turns into a completely different person, when I refuse to help her.
My Uncle, The most hopeful of the bunch. He grew up in another family, so I thought he wouldn't be like the rest of the people who grew up in this dysfunctional family. He was the smartest, I looked up to him at one time. I tested him just like my aunt. At this time I was trying to change my life. Trying to stop moving from place to place, trying to have a place I could call home. The last 4 months of living with them they literally tried to make it as miserable as they could for me. They wanted me to move, but I stayed. I tried to work it out. But they would not give an inch. I left so many home comforts behind to stay with them, but it was pointless. Eventually he made it clear, without saying it of course, that if I didn't do what he wanted me to then I had to move.
Now I had clear, sharp counter arguments that showed the hypocrisy, the blatant biast actions he was making. We each sentence I spoke it left him speechless. He hadn't expected for someone to stand up to him. He hadn't noticed how unfair he has been. The damage was already done. There was no reconciling.
My father, I grew up without him in my life. Until I turned 15 that is. He was selfish. I moved in with him but he didn't want me there. He wanted to do nothing buy drink and wanted me out the week after I was there. He has possibly been the worst toll on me. I came to him to try and build a relationship. I sacrificed nearly everything I had grown accustomed to, just to try and be in his life. I went through so many discomforts. In the end he was no different.
My Grandma, Possibly the second worst. I thought I could go to her for anything. We could talk about anything and she would always be there for me. Not the latter half is true, she is here. But over the years I've learned she is like a high schooler. She constantly gossips. Everything I have ever told her has went from her mouth to someone else. People who should not have heard this information. I also found out she has been spying on me. She found every social networking site I had and stalked me. She try's to be close, she doesn't know I know all of this. But I cannot ever talk to her like I had been. I thought I could trust her. I was the only person that helped her do anything around the house for more than 7 years. I guess that wasn't good enough.
My brother, He is as fucked up as me. Except he doesn't have the intelligence that I do. He has sociopathic tendencies, He is very manipulative. He lies constantly, I believe it's to make people think he is smart. Maybe he aspires to be like me in some ways? I'm really not sure. But he is the kind of loser with no job, who will end up in his parents basement till he is 40.
The point of all of this? I'm not sure. I have tried my entire life, but the results are what you see above. I've lost what were my most favorite cousins, my best friends, all in similar manors. I don't understand why it wont work between me and anyone. I try my best with no intentions of getting anything in return. But it always turns out the same.
This has taken a huge toll on my psyche. I still have urges to be around people. I just have a voice in my head saying "whats the point?". For the past 3 years, every day, I have thought of killing myself. There hasn't been a day that has passed in the past 3 years, where I've been happy.
Everyday I spend alone, Eager for bed time. At bed time it all goes away for a few moments. Then I dread bed time, because I know those peaceful moments will pass and misery will resume. I do this every week day. I get eager for the weekend because I don't have to deal with work. But with that comes depression, because I know it will end. Only a few days and it will be back to misery.
I have no happy moments. I put my self in rituals for every day. So I can have that to look forward to. That constant. When they get interrupted I get extremely agitated.
What do I do? I can't Live this way forever. I don't know if I can live this way another year.
My mother, The person I thought was my friend. Abused me for years, neglected school work. Had miserable living conditions that would've been condemned had authorities been notified. Constantly manipulating for her own personal gain. Complete disregard for her kids.
My Aunt, The next person I though was my friend. More manipulative than my mother. For years I let her come to me when she needed help with anything she couldn't do. I never asked for a thing. I assumed I earned respect and when the time would come she would be there for me. I test this one time and she turns into a completely different person, when I refuse to help her.
My Uncle, The most hopeful of the bunch. He grew up in another family, so I thought he wouldn't be like the rest of the people who grew up in this dysfunctional family. He was the smartest, I looked up to him at one time. I tested him just like my aunt. At this time I was trying to change my life. Trying to stop moving from place to place, trying to have a place I could call home. The last 4 months of living with them they literally tried to make it as miserable as they could for me. They wanted me to move, but I stayed. I tried to work it out. But they would not give an inch. I left so many home comforts behind to stay with them, but it was pointless. Eventually he made it clear, without saying it of course, that if I didn't do what he wanted me to then I had to move.
Now I had clear, sharp counter arguments that showed the hypocrisy, the blatant biast actions he was making. We each sentence I spoke it left him speechless. He hadn't expected for someone to stand up to him. He hadn't noticed how unfair he has been. The damage was already done. There was no reconciling.
My father, I grew up without him in my life. Until I turned 15 that is. He was selfish. I moved in with him but he didn't want me there. He wanted to do nothing buy drink and wanted me out the week after I was there. He has possibly been the worst toll on me. I came to him to try and build a relationship. I sacrificed nearly everything I had grown accustomed to, just to try and be in his life. I went through so many discomforts. In the end he was no different.
My Grandma, Possibly the second worst. I thought I could go to her for anything. We could talk about anything and she would always be there for me. Not the latter half is true, she is here. But over the years I've learned she is like a high schooler. She constantly gossips. Everything I have ever told her has went from her mouth to someone else. People who should not have heard this information. I also found out she has been spying on me. She found every social networking site I had and stalked me. She try's to be close, she doesn't know I know all of this. But I cannot ever talk to her like I had been. I thought I could trust her. I was the only person that helped her do anything around the house for more than 7 years. I guess that wasn't good enough.
My brother, He is as fucked up as me. Except he doesn't have the intelligence that I do. He has sociopathic tendencies, He is very manipulative. He lies constantly, I believe it's to make people think he is smart. Maybe he aspires to be like me in some ways? I'm really not sure. But he is the kind of loser with no job, who will end up in his parents basement till he is 40.
The point of all of this? I'm not sure. I have tried my entire life, but the results are what you see above. I've lost what were my most favorite cousins, my best friends, all in similar manors. I don't understand why it wont work between me and anyone. I try my best with no intentions of getting anything in return. But it always turns out the same.
This has taken a huge toll on my psyche. I still have urges to be around people. I just have a voice in my head saying "whats the point?". For the past 3 years, every day, I have thought of killing myself. There hasn't been a day that has passed in the past 3 years, where I've been happy.
Everyday I spend alone, Eager for bed time. At bed time it all goes away for a few moments. Then I dread bed time, because I know those peaceful moments will pass and misery will resume. I do this every week day. I get eager for the weekend because I don't have to deal with work. But with that comes depression, because I know it will end. Only a few days and it will be back to misery.
I have no happy moments. I put my self in rituals for every day. So I can have that to look forward to. That constant. When they get interrupted I get extremely agitated.
What do I do? I can't Live this way forever. I don't know if I can live this way another year.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
2-25-12
I didnt read the previous entry, nor do i remember what was written. If i forget to follow up on something this is why.
So since the last entry i moved from my aunts back to my dads. We werent fighting this time but i was just so sick of the repetitive routine my dad did. It annoyed me. I voiced my opinion in a neutral manner, however this was to no avail.
My grannie and pa got put into the nursing home a few months ago. They needed it, my family couldnt take care of them anymore. Plus seeing people daily and having events is good for them. Them going into the nursing home made me come to a few realizations.
Ive been beating myself up, asking why i must live this way for a few years now. Little did i know that a simple movie on netflix could answer this for me. I watched this movie about these strangers who went to a diner. This diner was waited on by Jesus christ. Through the movie it made me understand a little about God.
I learned that God gives me everything i need to make it, i just have to ask. Anyways i hated myself for this act for a long time. I gave in to temptation time and time again. Knowing it was wrong, but not knowing thw potential impact it had for others involved. At the end of this movie i realized that had this event not occurred, i may not have seen this movie. I may not have asked for forgiveness that night, which little did I know would set off a chain of events that would be what i had asked for.
Prior to my great grandparents going into the nursing home there was waiting on paper work, waiting for rooms to be opened and them to move up the list for months. The day following me askinf for forgiveness my grandma got a call saying my great grandparents could come to the nursing home as soon as they could. She called me and i finally saw. I finally realized what i had known for so long, but never seen myself experience. I saw gods love.
I saw this because as i said the events that have perspired since that call could have only come from god. With them going to the nursing home, their house became vacant. My "mother" was given the privilege of living there rent free, despite my opinion. Regardless this left my grandparents basement open. I cleaned the entire mess that shouldve never been for 3 solid 8 hour days. I pulled the old carpet, installed new carpet. Now this basement is what my grandparents deserved all along. Clean.
I moved in shortly after. I finally had the independence I had been seeking. Im responsible for what i eat, when i sleep, what i do. I love it. However it has lead me to see that, the annoyances i had dealt with ahouldnt havent been that bad. Because little did i expect that this independence would come hand in hand with loneliness.
Sure my grandma is above. But her mind is slipping, she cant think rationally anymore and overall she has went downhill health wise.
But with this loneliness came motivation. Motivation to become the person Ive seen myself as for a long time. But nobody else has seen. Ive went down 2 pant sizes in the first monrh of living here. Ive also started p90x. Im about to start week 3 of the program. Im hoping to losing 60-100lbs and be in good shape.
I believe doing this will lead me to finding a girlfriend, which will rid me of loneliness. But this cant happen till i lose weight. Because I need a girl to see my for who i am. And i am not this fat person.
So enough about that. I have not made contact with my aunt or any of them since i moved. I once thought i could rely on them for anything. But i seen that they are selfish. When i told them i didnt want to be what they wanted me to be. That i wanted to be who i wanted to be. They essentially done everything they could to try to get me to move.
i got to the point i was about to have a nervous breakdown with the fear of what could come. One night i realized it wasnt worth it anymore. I went to bed at 1am that night. I awoke at 4am, packed my stuff and left. Moved back to my dads. It was better this time. No fighting. He has learned to be more compassionate, more understanding, and be more willing to listen to me. Hes grown a lot. Far from what he needs to be, but a good step in the right direction.
Anyways during my short stay there i started ordering a few items, car parts, items to kill time with. While this was happening dads neighbors dog was being mistreated by her owner. She was chasing the mail man. Which led to packages not being delivered anymore. Which is ridiculous. Thw most important thing was a part to fix my brothers car. It was delayed by a day, and i had to go out of my way to get the package. Quite frankly it pissed me off.
Later that week the neighbor had came down to dads house while we were eating. Being loud, obnoxious, rude and disrespectful. I pretty much ignored him so he would leave. Spoiled my appetite. I went to bed a few hours after he had left and i heard some music playing loud outside. I went to check it out and it was him , oh by the way he was drunk the first time. He took off in his car done two donuts around dads yard and hauled ass down the road. I decided i would intervene if he came back.
A few seconds later he hauled ass back down the road, but went to his house. ,i figured this would be the end of his shenanigans. Nope... he fame running back down to dads back yard. I guess dad said something to him. I was in the house so im not sure. But i called dad about 6 times to see what was going on. He didnt answer. Eventually another neighbor brought the phone inside and told me that he was jumping in dads face about some stupid crap about how he was pissed about something.
I decided that was it. I put my pants, boots on. I walked as fast as i could out the door, with the other neighbor and his girlfriend in suit. I walked up to him, shoved him. He flew back about 15 feet. He laid there shouting what the f*Ck. I waited for about 10 seconds for him to get up. He didnt so i said screw it. I jumped ontop of him. Threw 3 hard hits to the face. He rolled me off him. I got up quicker than he did. I slammed him down on the ground. I threw 5 more punchs to his skull as hard as i could. I knocked him out then restrained him till he agreed he wouldnt do anything if i backed off.
Meanwhile the other neighbor and the rowdy neighbors friend got into it i guess. I never saw it. I got up and knew i had broke my hand. I stood around for a few minutes for the adrenaline to wear down so i could drive to the hospital. The neighbor stayed around, he hit me in the back of the head. It didnt effect the slightest, i didnt even turn around.I guess he realized he couldnt take me after that and he didnt do anything else. Nothing is more of a bitch move than hitting someone from behind. Thankfully, for him, i knew my hand was broke so i didnt fight back. But had my hand not have been broke it wouldve been a different story.
So i went to the hospital got a pill and had to wait 3 days before i could go to the orthopedic. It was broke. Went to the ortho, got an x ray. They said normally in my situation they would recommend surgery. I messed it up pretty bad. They said they could try and reduce it but no guarantee it would stay and i might still need surgery. I opted for the cheaper method, since i didnt have insurance.
I got a shot in my hand, the reduced it, put a cast on and told me to be back in 2 weeks. 5 days later i felt the bone move. But i thought it was just my imagination. I waitied the full two weeks before going back. It had moved. They said they could try again but it would probably move again. I said go ahead i cant afford surgery. The dr on duty came in and mashed around on it. He got it back in place and decided to go ahead and cast it them. Did i mention i didnt get a shot? For 20 minutes i had someone hold my hand on the broken bone to keep it from moving. That was hands down the most painful thing i have ever experienced.
In the end i was in a cast for 8 weeks. Took another 4 weeks for me to regain half my movement back. Its been 5 months now and i still cant close my hand all the way without pain. The bone moved again at some point. it healed at an angle. It looks rough on the x rays. But my fingers straight. When i close my hand it acts a little funny. But i can still use it. Unfortunately i have arthritis in borh my hands now. First thing in the morning i cant hold anything without extreme pain.
Thats just something i will have to live with.
Thats pretty much all the important stuff. Theres little things here and there id like to talk about. But my hands are killing from typing all this so ill leave it here.
So since the last entry i moved from my aunts back to my dads. We werent fighting this time but i was just so sick of the repetitive routine my dad did. It annoyed me. I voiced my opinion in a neutral manner, however this was to no avail.
My grannie and pa got put into the nursing home a few months ago. They needed it, my family couldnt take care of them anymore. Plus seeing people daily and having events is good for them. Them going into the nursing home made me come to a few realizations.
Ive been beating myself up, asking why i must live this way for a few years now. Little did i know that a simple movie on netflix could answer this for me. I watched this movie about these strangers who went to a diner. This diner was waited on by Jesus christ. Through the movie it made me understand a little about God.
I learned that God gives me everything i need to make it, i just have to ask. Anyways i hated myself for this act for a long time. I gave in to temptation time and time again. Knowing it was wrong, but not knowing thw potential impact it had for others involved. At the end of this movie i realized that had this event not occurred, i may not have seen this movie. I may not have asked for forgiveness that night, which little did I know would set off a chain of events that would be what i had asked for.
Prior to my great grandparents going into the nursing home there was waiting on paper work, waiting for rooms to be opened and them to move up the list for months. The day following me askinf for forgiveness my grandma got a call saying my great grandparents could come to the nursing home as soon as they could. She called me and i finally saw. I finally realized what i had known for so long, but never seen myself experience. I saw gods love.
I saw this because as i said the events that have perspired since that call could have only come from god. With them going to the nursing home, their house became vacant. My "mother" was given the privilege of living there rent free, despite my opinion. Regardless this left my grandparents basement open. I cleaned the entire mess that shouldve never been for 3 solid 8 hour days. I pulled the old carpet, installed new carpet. Now this basement is what my grandparents deserved all along. Clean.
I moved in shortly after. I finally had the independence I had been seeking. Im responsible for what i eat, when i sleep, what i do. I love it. However it has lead me to see that, the annoyances i had dealt with ahouldnt havent been that bad. Because little did i expect that this independence would come hand in hand with loneliness.
Sure my grandma is above. But her mind is slipping, she cant think rationally anymore and overall she has went downhill health wise.
But with this loneliness came motivation. Motivation to become the person Ive seen myself as for a long time. But nobody else has seen. Ive went down 2 pant sizes in the first monrh of living here. Ive also started p90x. Im about to start week 3 of the program. Im hoping to losing 60-100lbs and be in good shape.
I believe doing this will lead me to finding a girlfriend, which will rid me of loneliness. But this cant happen till i lose weight. Because I need a girl to see my for who i am. And i am not this fat person.
So enough about that. I have not made contact with my aunt or any of them since i moved. I once thought i could rely on them for anything. But i seen that they are selfish. When i told them i didnt want to be what they wanted me to be. That i wanted to be who i wanted to be. They essentially done everything they could to try to get me to move.
i got to the point i was about to have a nervous breakdown with the fear of what could come. One night i realized it wasnt worth it anymore. I went to bed at 1am that night. I awoke at 4am, packed my stuff and left. Moved back to my dads. It was better this time. No fighting. He has learned to be more compassionate, more understanding, and be more willing to listen to me. Hes grown a lot. Far from what he needs to be, but a good step in the right direction.
Anyways during my short stay there i started ordering a few items, car parts, items to kill time with. While this was happening dads neighbors dog was being mistreated by her owner. She was chasing the mail man. Which led to packages not being delivered anymore. Which is ridiculous. Thw most important thing was a part to fix my brothers car. It was delayed by a day, and i had to go out of my way to get the package. Quite frankly it pissed me off.
Later that week the neighbor had came down to dads house while we were eating. Being loud, obnoxious, rude and disrespectful. I pretty much ignored him so he would leave. Spoiled my appetite. I went to bed a few hours after he had left and i heard some music playing loud outside. I went to check it out and it was him , oh by the way he was drunk the first time. He took off in his car done two donuts around dads yard and hauled ass down the road. I decided i would intervene if he came back.
A few seconds later he hauled ass back down the road, but went to his house. ,i figured this would be the end of his shenanigans. Nope... he fame running back down to dads back yard. I guess dad said something to him. I was in the house so im not sure. But i called dad about 6 times to see what was going on. He didnt answer. Eventually another neighbor brought the phone inside and told me that he was jumping in dads face about some stupid crap about how he was pissed about something.
I decided that was it. I put my pants, boots on. I walked as fast as i could out the door, with the other neighbor and his girlfriend in suit. I walked up to him, shoved him. He flew back about 15 feet. He laid there shouting what the f*Ck. I waited for about 10 seconds for him to get up. He didnt so i said screw it. I jumped ontop of him. Threw 3 hard hits to the face. He rolled me off him. I got up quicker than he did. I slammed him down on the ground. I threw 5 more punchs to his skull as hard as i could. I knocked him out then restrained him till he agreed he wouldnt do anything if i backed off.
Meanwhile the other neighbor and the rowdy neighbors friend got into it i guess. I never saw it. I got up and knew i had broke my hand. I stood around for a few minutes for the adrenaline to wear down so i could drive to the hospital. The neighbor stayed around, he hit me in the back of the head. It didnt effect the slightest, i didnt even turn around.I guess he realized he couldnt take me after that and he didnt do anything else. Nothing is more of a bitch move than hitting someone from behind. Thankfully, for him, i knew my hand was broke so i didnt fight back. But had my hand not have been broke it wouldve been a different story.
So i went to the hospital got a pill and had to wait 3 days before i could go to the orthopedic. It was broke. Went to the ortho, got an x ray. They said normally in my situation they would recommend surgery. I messed it up pretty bad. They said they could try and reduce it but no guarantee it would stay and i might still need surgery. I opted for the cheaper method, since i didnt have insurance.
I got a shot in my hand, the reduced it, put a cast on and told me to be back in 2 weeks. 5 days later i felt the bone move. But i thought it was just my imagination. I waitied the full two weeks before going back. It had moved. They said they could try again but it would probably move again. I said go ahead i cant afford surgery. The dr on duty came in and mashed around on it. He got it back in place and decided to go ahead and cast it them. Did i mention i didnt get a shot? For 20 minutes i had someone hold my hand on the broken bone to keep it from moving. That was hands down the most painful thing i have ever experienced.
In the end i was in a cast for 8 weeks. Took another 4 weeks for me to regain half my movement back. Its been 5 months now and i still cant close my hand all the way without pain. The bone moved again at some point. it healed at an angle. It looks rough on the x rays. But my fingers straight. When i close my hand it acts a little funny. But i can still use it. Unfortunately i have arthritis in borh my hands now. First thing in the morning i cant hold anything without extreme pain.
Thats just something i will have to live with.
Thats pretty much all the important stuff. Theres little things here and there id like to talk about. But my hands are killing from typing all this so ill leave it here.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
my life update 1-23-11
So where do I began? Well since the last update my dad and I got into another fight, while he was drunk of course. I ended up doing things I shouldn't have and moved out. I'm now at my aunts again. Since the day I moved in here, about 3 months ago, I have hated it. I didn't want to move here but it was my last resort.
I am no longer part of this family like I once was. I wasn't welcomed into this house the day I moved. I cleaned for 4 days of filth from parties and garbage. Not one single day did anyone in this household offer to lift a single finger to help, that put a sour film over me living here. I do not get asked if I would like to go to my cousins ball games, and when I do go without asking I feel I don't belong there. Despite not having anything to eat (literally) I don't get asked if I would like something from a fast food restaurant after their ball games or otherwise. Despite me being here without eating all day. They went camping a few months ago, and rudely left without offering for me to go. They are going to Florida on vacation this summer. I am not invited of asked if I'd like to go. I've never been on vacation, nor have I been out of my state so it would be refreshing to go. But I've accepted the fact I'm no longer considered their family member.
As a result I am planning on moving out on my own, as soon as I'm financially able to. See we have not worked in the past 2 months due to not having jobs. I have resorted to borrowing money equal to what I had borrowed and paid off 4 months ago. The only difference this time is that I make more money than I did so I will be able to pay it off quicker. After I do that I plan on saving my monthly bills in 3 months in advance, to prevent me from needing to borrow money and I will allow myself at least $650 to fall back on in case work slows or stops completely. Then I will proceed to look for me a place, save the rent, utilities, food,and gas money at least 3 months in advance before I move. So I should be financially set after that.
As far as college goes, I've moved from wanting to work on computers to wanting to work on car engines. In the past year I've done tons of research watched tons of videos and learned a huge deal about the mechanics of a internal combustion engine. And I must say it does seem to be a career I'd enjoy. However my plans of going to college have ceased, because I have motivation to go. I know it's smart, I know I'll be better off in the long run. But my current occupation will pay twice as much or more within the next 5 years, than the college route would in 20.
Maybe I'll go one day, but right now isn't the time.
As far as the relationship with my dad goes, we are closer than ever. I think he finally grew up a little towards me and realizes that I am a very intelligent adult, and not a 2 year old anyone. I am planning to purchase parts for my truck and me and him will work on it together. Hopefully we will grow from the experience. I also plan on letting him help me find a place instead of letting my grandma help (who's smarter than him) or doing it on my own in hopes our relationship will prosper from the events.
I have sold my laptop and nearly everything else I own to compensate for not working. It's something I didn't want to do. But it had to be done.
I have only talked to the girl I loved once since last time and that was 3 days ago. She text me and wanted to catch up. She claims she misses me, but I'm reluctant to believe that. Nevertheless I'm considering starting to talk to her again on a semi regular basis, the reason is in the next paragraph, but on still thinking about that.
Since I've been here not working I've become completely depressed. Work was all I had in my life that I looked forward to, and now that's gone till God knows when. I've hung out with my cousins friend's and I like them. I think they like me but are skeptical as to my personality so they tread carefully around me. Mainly hanging out with them when they are over makes me realize how lonely I am. I literally have no one in my life to talk to about my feelings. I have no reason to wakeup, and nothing to look forward to. I dread going to be, dread waking up, dread being around anyone. Im sure I'm depressed. I've had severe migraines everyday twice a day for two weeks. One that nothing will fix, and everything is painful. I've had heartburn every night for the past week. I've also lost weight this year. I rarely eat now, when I do it's not much. Most people gain weight over the holidays, I lost weight. I lost 8 pounds from Christmas to new years. I ate plentiful at Christmas. I have puffed out every day this past week, eating probably 4000 calories everyday. I still lost 2 pounds since I last weighed. So I'm sure I lost nearly 20 pounds in a month. Also I have basically had no activity while eating that much food.
I know I need to workout but I have no motivation to do so.
Basically Ive lost my family, lost all my friend's, have no one to talk to, no one to care, no motive to eat,no motive to workout, no motive to live. I've seriously contemplated suicide this month, every day I think about it. If I had money to buy a gun, I probably would have done it already. I'm to my breaking point with everyone, I get extremely aggravated at Poole with anything they say. And I'm to the point to where I could kill anyone or myself in the blink of an eye.
And that scares me. Because that is not who I am, I do not think like that. I have lost my personality this past year and I'm afraid I'll never be myself again or this will be me forever. I'm wanting to get drunk every night, but don't have the money. I'm scared I will turn into my dad.
I'm depressed and I scare myself of what I have become.
I have not had a genuine smile, and been happy in over a year. I just need someone in my life, I'm sure that could solve the problem. I've made mild efforts to talk to people on MySpace and Facebook but they see my picture and judge me instantly so they don't talk to me. I'm at the end of my rope and don't know what to do. I'm depressed and scared.
I am no longer part of this family like I once was. I wasn't welcomed into this house the day I moved. I cleaned for 4 days of filth from parties and garbage. Not one single day did anyone in this household offer to lift a single finger to help, that put a sour film over me living here. I do not get asked if I would like to go to my cousins ball games, and when I do go without asking I feel I don't belong there. Despite not having anything to eat (literally) I don't get asked if I would like something from a fast food restaurant after their ball games or otherwise. Despite me being here without eating all day. They went camping a few months ago, and rudely left without offering for me to go. They are going to Florida on vacation this summer. I am not invited of asked if I'd like to go. I've never been on vacation, nor have I been out of my state so it would be refreshing to go. But I've accepted the fact I'm no longer considered their family member.
As a result I am planning on moving out on my own, as soon as I'm financially able to. See we have not worked in the past 2 months due to not having jobs. I have resorted to borrowing money equal to what I had borrowed and paid off 4 months ago. The only difference this time is that I make more money than I did so I will be able to pay it off quicker. After I do that I plan on saving my monthly bills in 3 months in advance, to prevent me from needing to borrow money and I will allow myself at least $650 to fall back on in case work slows or stops completely. Then I will proceed to look for me a place, save the rent, utilities, food,and gas money at least 3 months in advance before I move. So I should be financially set after that.
As far as college goes, I've moved from wanting to work on computers to wanting to work on car engines. In the past year I've done tons of research watched tons of videos and learned a huge deal about the mechanics of a internal combustion engine. And I must say it does seem to be a career I'd enjoy. However my plans of going to college have ceased, because I have motivation to go. I know it's smart, I know I'll be better off in the long run. But my current occupation will pay twice as much or more within the next 5 years, than the college route would in 20.
Maybe I'll go one day, but right now isn't the time.
As far as the relationship with my dad goes, we are closer than ever. I think he finally grew up a little towards me and realizes that I am a very intelligent adult, and not a 2 year old anyone. I am planning to purchase parts for my truck and me and him will work on it together. Hopefully we will grow from the experience. I also plan on letting him help me find a place instead of letting my grandma help (who's smarter than him) or doing it on my own in hopes our relationship will prosper from the events.
I have sold my laptop and nearly everything else I own to compensate for not working. It's something I didn't want to do. But it had to be done.
I have only talked to the girl I loved once since last time and that was 3 days ago. She text me and wanted to catch up. She claims she misses me, but I'm reluctant to believe that. Nevertheless I'm considering starting to talk to her again on a semi regular basis, the reason is in the next paragraph, but on still thinking about that.
Since I've been here not working I've become completely depressed. Work was all I had in my life that I looked forward to, and now that's gone till God knows when. I've hung out with my cousins friend's and I like them. I think they like me but are skeptical as to my personality so they tread carefully around me. Mainly hanging out with them when they are over makes me realize how lonely I am. I literally have no one in my life to talk to about my feelings. I have no reason to wakeup, and nothing to look forward to. I dread going to be, dread waking up, dread being around anyone. Im sure I'm depressed. I've had severe migraines everyday twice a day for two weeks. One that nothing will fix, and everything is painful. I've had heartburn every night for the past week. I've also lost weight this year. I rarely eat now, when I do it's not much. Most people gain weight over the holidays, I lost weight. I lost 8 pounds from Christmas to new years. I ate plentiful at Christmas. I have puffed out every day this past week, eating probably 4000 calories everyday. I still lost 2 pounds since I last weighed. So I'm sure I lost nearly 20 pounds in a month. Also I have basically had no activity while eating that much food.
I know I need to workout but I have no motivation to do so.
Basically Ive lost my family, lost all my friend's, have no one to talk to, no one to care, no motive to eat,no motive to workout, no motive to live. I've seriously contemplated suicide this month, every day I think about it. If I had money to buy a gun, I probably would have done it already. I'm to my breaking point with everyone, I get extremely aggravated at Poole with anything they say. And I'm to the point to where I could kill anyone or myself in the blink of an eye.
And that scares me. Because that is not who I am, I do not think like that. I have lost my personality this past year and I'm afraid I'll never be myself again or this will be me forever. I'm wanting to get drunk every night, but don't have the money. I'm scared I will turn into my dad.
I'm depressed and I scare myself of what I have become.
I have not had a genuine smile, and been happy in over a year. I just need someone in my life, I'm sure that could solve the problem. I've made mild efforts to talk to people on MySpace and Facebook but they see my picture and judge me instantly so they don't talk to me. I'm at the end of my rope and don't know what to do. I'm depressed and scared.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
My life update 6-12-10
Please excuse my previous vulgarities, I dont know what made me think it was an appropriate thing to say.
So i finally found the drivers for my cd drive and everything with that is working fine. Ive since moved from windows xp to windows 7 and i must say im enjoying it alot better than i thought i wouldve. The computer itself is performing as expected, it does overheat very easily but ive remedied that with an external fan. Overall it was a wise purchase as im sure ill be using it for years to come.
My grandpa is doing better, He is probably as back to normal as he will ever be. His vision is legally blind, he has a hard time remembering things. He does act differently than before but overall improved since last time i wrote.
Ive since quit my job at the local grocery store. Long story short, a guy got hired (who was friends with the general manager) who never worked in a grocery store before, with no knowledge on how the store works, came and because of him i got moved into another position. Which wasnt too bad, but after 2 weeks of him working there he got put on salary (when people who are alot better than him who have worked there for 15+ years are still working hourly), he got put a title of "manager" whilst he managed to make everyones workplace a living hell and thought he knew what he was talking about. Anyways we had it out, i ended up breaking my hand and havent stepped a foot in the place since november.
Well the girl whom i love ended up getting pregnant (which i knew would happen) and then breaking up with the guy, now shes possibly having twins ontop of her other kid while working a part time job living with her mom. Anyways i always told myself that should she get pregnant i wont try anymore. She did and i havent. She wasnt half the reason i quit the job i had (backstabbing, lier) so after november we hadnt talked again till april. Even then us talking is nothing like it was and the pleasure i had by talking or texting her has been replaced with disappointment. Never the less i havent text her once, she asked for my new phone number, and she text me twice. Anyway things are rough, will they be back to how they were before? Doubtful. Will we ever make amends? that remains to be seen.
Onto more current events. I mentioned i quit i job, im currently working for my dad in construction for roughly the same pay with half as many hours. Which is nice though it is a miserable job.
Im currently not working with him due to an injury i faced friday 6/4/10. I was chasing my cousins friday night having a good time. It was about 8:20pm dew was on the grass. Due to my occupation the tread on my shoes has worn out so they were slick on the bottom. I tried to stop running and slid, fell down. My ankle rolled inward with my full weight on it. I couldnt move my foot and was in the er in about 15 minutes. I ended up being there for 4 hours waiting a majority of the time. They wrapped it with a temporary cast and told me to go to the ortho monday.
So i did, they cut the cast off x-rayed my foot and i had broke my fibula. So they put an incredibly tight sock on my whole leg, wrapped my ankle with an ace bandage, and gave my a walking cast. With strict instructions to not walk on it and to keep my ankle elevated as it was swollen to about 3 times normal size. So im here on crutches with my foot up in the air till the 21st (ten more days) then they will tell me if i need to have a plate and screws put in or if i need the cast for longer.
Im able to remove the bandage, cast and sock at will when it starts hurting so thats nice. MY entire foot and half my leg is bruised to hell and back. The bruising hurts worse than the broken ankle. Anyways the swelling has came down alot but it is still swollen.
Onto my phone, while i was at work one day my screen cracked for no reason. IT never got bumped or nothing, i went to go get lunch and came back, the whole screen was shattered. It being a touch screen the screens pretty damn important. So i borrowed $400 from my grandma to buy a new phone. I got the phone ive wanted for awhile, iphone 3gs im satisfied with it.
My debt. I currently need to save $400 by august, pay $160 for my old phone cancel fee, pay $180 back to my grandma, pay my monthly $100 phone bill and $30 internet, my weekly $50 gas, my weekly lunch money. While only making $50 a day. I manged to work it out where i would be able to pay it all off at the end of july. However with my broken ankle my expected date to pay everything off has been pushed back considerably. Ive been stressing over them since the damn unemployment office screwed me over for 3 months. But im finally to where i dont care and am not stressing over it anymore.
To sum up what the unemployment office did, was i submitted my claim on november the 28th. I called them weekly and they were constantly saying my check will be in the mail next week. Do this till end of january when i finally get papers saying i was denied! I couldnt work in that time due to my broken hand.
Also i got me a new truck. I dont know if i posted my plans for my other truck or not. But i got the v8 i wanted with a great interior. The body has 2 rusty spots, and needs a new fender but i can take care of those no problem. Then im going to repaint the whole truck factory colors. The trucks motor is not the factory motor for the truck. Someone swapped it out for a great motor that only came in one truck for 4 years, which was made for racing. So it screams. The gas mileage is pretty good. I get 14 mpg (12 when i get on it constantly) in the city 22mpg on the highway, the v6 i had got 15mpg in the city and 20mpg on the highway. My truck also has an 6 gallon bigger tank of gas. It cost me $2000 and my other truck which was a good deal.
As far as college goes its temporarily postponed.
Well thats all i can think of for now, bye :)
So i finally found the drivers for my cd drive and everything with that is working fine. Ive since moved from windows xp to windows 7 and i must say im enjoying it alot better than i thought i wouldve. The computer itself is performing as expected, it does overheat very easily but ive remedied that with an external fan. Overall it was a wise purchase as im sure ill be using it for years to come.
My grandpa is doing better, He is probably as back to normal as he will ever be. His vision is legally blind, he has a hard time remembering things. He does act differently than before but overall improved since last time i wrote.
Ive since quit my job at the local grocery store. Long story short, a guy got hired (who was friends with the general manager) who never worked in a grocery store before, with no knowledge on how the store works, came and because of him i got moved into another position. Which wasnt too bad, but after 2 weeks of him working there he got put on salary (when people who are alot better than him who have worked there for 15+ years are still working hourly), he got put a title of "manager" whilst he managed to make everyones workplace a living hell and thought he knew what he was talking about. Anyways we had it out, i ended up breaking my hand and havent stepped a foot in the place since november.
Well the girl whom i love ended up getting pregnant (which i knew would happen) and then breaking up with the guy, now shes possibly having twins ontop of her other kid while working a part time job living with her mom. Anyways i always told myself that should she get pregnant i wont try anymore. She did and i havent. She wasnt half the reason i quit the job i had (backstabbing, lier) so after november we hadnt talked again till april. Even then us talking is nothing like it was and the pleasure i had by talking or texting her has been replaced with disappointment. Never the less i havent text her once, she asked for my new phone number, and she text me twice. Anyway things are rough, will they be back to how they were before? Doubtful. Will we ever make amends? that remains to be seen.
Onto more current events. I mentioned i quit i job, im currently working for my dad in construction for roughly the same pay with half as many hours. Which is nice though it is a miserable job.
Im currently not working with him due to an injury i faced friday 6/4/10. I was chasing my cousins friday night having a good time. It was about 8:20pm dew was on the grass. Due to my occupation the tread on my shoes has worn out so they were slick on the bottom. I tried to stop running and slid, fell down. My ankle rolled inward with my full weight on it. I couldnt move my foot and was in the er in about 15 minutes. I ended up being there for 4 hours waiting a majority of the time. They wrapped it with a temporary cast and told me to go to the ortho monday.
So i did, they cut the cast off x-rayed my foot and i had broke my fibula. So they put an incredibly tight sock on my whole leg, wrapped my ankle with an ace bandage, and gave my a walking cast. With strict instructions to not walk on it and to keep my ankle elevated as it was swollen to about 3 times normal size. So im here on crutches with my foot up in the air till the 21st (ten more days) then they will tell me if i need to have a plate and screws put in or if i need the cast for longer.
Im able to remove the bandage, cast and sock at will when it starts hurting so thats nice. MY entire foot and half my leg is bruised to hell and back. The bruising hurts worse than the broken ankle. Anyways the swelling has came down alot but it is still swollen.
Onto my phone, while i was at work one day my screen cracked for no reason. IT never got bumped or nothing, i went to go get lunch and came back, the whole screen was shattered. It being a touch screen the screens pretty damn important. So i borrowed $400 from my grandma to buy a new phone. I got the phone ive wanted for awhile, iphone 3gs im satisfied with it.
My debt. I currently need to save $400 by august, pay $160 for my old phone cancel fee, pay $180 back to my grandma, pay my monthly $100 phone bill and $30 internet, my weekly $50 gas, my weekly lunch money. While only making $50 a day. I manged to work it out where i would be able to pay it all off at the end of july. However with my broken ankle my expected date to pay everything off has been pushed back considerably. Ive been stressing over them since the damn unemployment office screwed me over for 3 months. But im finally to where i dont care and am not stressing over it anymore.
To sum up what the unemployment office did, was i submitted my claim on november the 28th. I called them weekly and they were constantly saying my check will be in the mail next week. Do this till end of january when i finally get papers saying i was denied! I couldnt work in that time due to my broken hand.
Also i got me a new truck. I dont know if i posted my plans for my other truck or not. But i got the v8 i wanted with a great interior. The body has 2 rusty spots, and needs a new fender but i can take care of those no problem. Then im going to repaint the whole truck factory colors. The trucks motor is not the factory motor for the truck. Someone swapped it out for a great motor that only came in one truck for 4 years, which was made for racing. So it screams. The gas mileage is pretty good. I get 14 mpg (12 when i get on it constantly) in the city 22mpg on the highway, the v6 i had got 15mpg in the city and 20mpg on the highway. My truck also has an 6 gallon bigger tank of gas. It cost me $2000 and my other truck which was a good deal.
As far as college goes its temporarily postponed.
Well thats all i can think of for now, bye :)
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
My Life update 9-23-09
Well i dont know where to begin. I briefly read over the past entries in hopes to know where to start, but alas i did not. So ill start with my computer, as noted in the second update i had successfully changed my fan. Well since then Ive bought me a new computer. No more piece of shit computer for me! i spent $1500 on this bad boy and it was worth every penny. However I'm currently having issues with my cd drive. You know seems like every computer i touch needs to be fixed eventually. Anyways the drivers for the cd drive are corrupted, simple fix right? Wrong! Dell has the drivers on its website , or so it claims. However when i download then i get an exe file that puts up with a gui that is only to update the firmware, which could possible fix the problem but the dam program doesnt recognise my cd drive! So then normally id look elsewhere to find the drivers. Well i cant find them anywhere online, so my best bet is to either A. Buy a new cd/dvd burner for my laptop or B. But an external cd drive. Or C. Just say fuck it and leave it alone. I'm still debating on what to do.
As i recall previously i mentioned about liking a girl but couldn't get the courage to confront her. Well its been a year since then (or more) shes gotten way hotter than she was before. But since then Ive realised how immature she is, though she is only 17 now. Anyways I'm not even trying for her anymore, i cant date someone who is immature or childish.
Lets see what now.... My mom is still doing the same shit she has been for 5 years now. Worthless trash is what she is, anyways a few months ago my grandpa had a stroke. He is no longer able to work. This is good and bad. He was working 70+ hours a week and has been for over 20 years. So he finally gets a break. However disability is only paying $1000 a month. My grandmas bills total more than $1600, with no way to pay the difference. She is having to drop luxury things that she deserves just to make it every month. My mom has a full time job making more than $8 an hour. She doesn't pay a dam dime, even knowing they cant make their bills. My grandma refuses to kick her out of call child services on her, ive been telling her to do either one for over 4 years. She never listens, she cant accept that her daughter doesn't give a shit about her.
Onto more positive news, which will lead to bad news, which will lead to more good news. After i got my ged my uncle got me a job at a local grocery store. When i first started it was great, i loved the job (started in January), However over the past several months it has descended from the great job it was to the hell hole it is now. I use to wake up early just so i could get there early, now i dont even want to get out of bed in the mornings. Why? Well thats alot to list, i wont list them.
About three months ago or there abouts, a new girl started working on the registers. I dont know why but i had the hardest time looking at her, it gave me butterflies i guess you could say. I wanted to talk to her but i was never able to. Fast forward a few weeks, she started on the stock crew. Which is where i work, i still remember her first day. She flirted with me alot at that time, i was still too shy to say much to her. As i said she flirted with me alot, until another bitch who i wont name told her my age. Then that stopped to the extent she was flirting.
eventually over time i was able to talk to her comfortably, in doing so i learned alot about her. As she did me. She has the most beautiful brown eyes ive ever seen. When i look into her eyes i see deep into her, and theres just something about her. I cant really explain it. Over time we got really comfortable with each other, we talked everyday at work. I wanted so bad to ask for her number or ask her out. But i didnt know how to do so at the time, not that i really can do it now. Well after she worked there for a couple weeks some shit happened where i thought i was about to quit my job. i didnt want to stop talking to her at all. I had been eyeing her myspace page for awhile. Wanting to add her as friend but was too nervous to do so. Well when i thought i wasnt going back to my job i finally added her. she gave me her number and we texted all day that day. It was great to be honest.
Since then we were texting everyday from the time we awoke till we went to sleep. We continued this for a long time, now im going to skip towards the more present events regarding her. Ive presented her with several opportunities to go out with me. I told this girl i loved her and got nothing in return, but i was still persistant with the hopes she would one day be mine.
Well things have become fragile here recently between me and her. Ive gotten to the point where i just dont care anymore, i love her to death but i keep putting myself out there for her. Only to be shat on time and time again, then im the one apologizing for shit she did just so she wont be mad at me. Ive done it so many times that its making me sick.
She hasnt text me in several days now, and i havent her either. Im finally giving up, i love her but i cant deal with it anymore. Its not all bad though,, in the midst of all of this i met a great girl on myspace who ive been textin. Shes helped me out with everything. She cares about me more than the girl i love ever did. She shows interest in me, but me and her arent meant to be together that way.
Ive pretty much lost the love of my life, but in return i got two great friends who care about me and want to help me. Im so thankful for them.
Im thinking about going to college next semester for computer engineering, im still on the fence about it though. I want to get a job i love, marry a girl who loves me for who i am and nothing else. I want a nice house with two kids, enough money saved up for us to retire and my kids to go to college. I want my kids to be 100x smarter than i am, thats all i want out of life. I know i need to get a good job< class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_70">thats gonna happen is if i go to college. I really dont want to go, i only want to go to better my future self.
I wish i was smarter than i am, i want to be able to do amazing things and impress people. Sure maybe some will say im smart and can do things they never could. But its not good enough for me, i know what im capable of.
Well i really dont know what else to put, that pretty much sums everything up. I will continue updating these in the future as my life progresses, not for a bunch of strangers to read. but rather myself to look back at how i was thinking back then. Which in turn will help me make better descions about my life.
As i recall previously i mentioned about liking a girl but couldn't get the courage to confront her. Well its been a year since then (or more) shes gotten way hotter than she was before. But since then Ive realised how immature she is, though she is only 17 now. Anyways I'm not even trying for her anymore, i cant date someone who is immature or childish.
Lets see what now.... My mom is still doing the same shit she has been for 5 years now. Worthless trash is what she is, anyways a few months ago my grandpa had a stroke. He is no longer able to work. This is good and bad. He was working 70+ hours a week and has been for over 20 years. So he finally gets a break. However disability is only paying $1000 a month. My grandmas bills total more than $1600, with no way to pay the difference. She is having to drop luxury things that she deserves just to make it every month. My mom has a full time job making more than $8 an hour. She doesn't pay a dam dime, even knowing they cant make their bills. My grandma refuses to kick her out of call child services on her, ive been telling her to do either one for over 4 years. She never listens, she cant accept that her daughter doesn't give a shit about her.
Onto more positive news, which will lead to bad news, which will lead to more good news. After i got my ged my uncle got me a job at a local grocery store. When i first started it was great, i loved the job (started in January), However over the past several months it has descended from the great job it was to the hell hole it is now. I use to wake up early just so i could get there early, now i dont even want to get out of bed in the mornings. Why? Well thats alot to list, i wont list them.
About three months ago or there abouts, a new girl started working on the registers. I dont know why but i had the hardest time looking at her, it gave me butterflies i guess you could say. I wanted to talk to her but i was never able to. Fast forward a few weeks, she started on the stock crew. Which is where i work, i still remember her first day. She flirted with me alot at that time, i was still too shy to say much to her. As i said she flirted with me alot, until another bitch who i wont name told her my age. Then that stopped to the extent she was flirting.
eventually over time i was able to talk to her comfortably, in doing so i learned alot about her. As she did me. She has the most beautiful brown eyes ive ever seen. When i look into her eyes i see deep into her, and theres just something about her. I cant really explain it. Over time we got really comfortable with each other, we talked everyday at work. I wanted so bad to ask for her number or ask her out. But i didnt know how to do so at the time, not that i really can do it now. Well after she worked there for a couple weeks some shit happened where i thought i was about to quit my job. i didnt want to stop talking to her at all. I had been eyeing her myspace page for awhile. Wanting to add her as friend but was too nervous to do so. Well when i thought i wasnt going back to my job i finally added her. she gave me her number and we texted all day that day. It was great to be honest.
Since then we were texting everyday from the time we awoke till we went to sleep. We continued this for a long time, now im going to skip towards the more present events regarding her. Ive presented her with several opportunities to go out with me. I told this girl i loved her and got nothing in return, but i was still persistant with the hopes she would one day be mine.
Well things have become fragile here recently between me and her. Ive gotten to the point where i just dont care anymore, i love her to death but i keep putting myself out there for her. Only to be shat on time and time again, then im the one apologizing for shit she did just so she wont be mad at me. Ive done it so many times that its making me sick.
She hasnt text me in several days now, and i havent her either. Im finally giving up, i love her but i cant deal with it anymore. Its not all bad though,, in the midst of all of this i met a great girl on myspace who ive been textin. Shes helped me out with everything. She cares about me more than the girl i love ever did. She shows interest in me, but me and her arent meant to be together that way.
Ive pretty much lost the love of my life, but in return i got two great friends who care about me and want to help me. Im so thankful for them.
Im thinking about going to college next semester for computer engineering, im still on the fence about it though. I want to get a job i love, marry a girl who loves me for who i am and nothing else. I want a nice house with two kids, enough money saved up for us to retire and my kids to go to college. I want my kids to be 100x smarter than i am, thats all i want out of life. I know i need to get a good job< class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_70">thats gonna happen is if i go to college. I really dont want to go, i only want to go to better my future self.
I wish i was smarter than i am, i want to be able to do amazing things and impress people. Sure maybe some will say im smart and can do things they never could. But its not good enough for me, i know what im capable of.
Well i really dont know what else to put, that pretty much sums everything up. I will continue updating these in the future as my life progresses, not for a bunch of strangers to read. but rather myself to look back at how i was thinking back then. Which in turn will help me make better descions about my life.
Friday, December 5, 2008
My Life update 10-05-08
Read the blog below this one first please if you havent done so already. Thank You.
Well this thanksgiving was the one year anniversery since i last talked to my mom. This Thanksgiving wasnt the same as it has been the past years. i was really looking forward to it and it turned out to be a disappointment. Instead of going to my grandmas house (like we have since i can remember) we went to my great grandmas house. The reason for this was my great grandfather (whom is 90) cannot walk that well anymore. So we felt it easier to have it at their house for their sake. Which I guess is the main reason for it not being the same as it has been.
My grandma was acting like a child this thanksgiving. My grandfather wanted to go see his brother on thanksgiving, he did go and see my great grandfather (his father inlaw) and great grandmother for a little while, then he wanted to go see his brother. So my grandma got all pissed off because of it and stayed away from everyone this thanksgiving. She doesnt like my grandfathers brother and my grandma has trust issues with my grandfather. Regardless of what issues she has with him i feel that she should put them aside. Because it was thanksgiving and her childish behaviour wasnt needed or welcomed. So my expectations of this thanksgiving were greatly off because it has been the worst that i can remember.
Last month i got my permit and ive been driving everywhere we have gone. I must say it feels so good to be able to drive. I can only wait untill i get my drivers license. I cant imagine the excitement i will feel when i finally get them. Wednesday went to go take me ged test. This day was probably the best day ive had all year and the worst at the same time. Well in between tests we had to sit outside the room and wait for everyone to finsih taking their tests. So in between the first test i was the first to get finished. Followed by this guy, then this girl. For some reason this girl decided to sit by me. She had many other people she couldve sat by and there was even seats which werent by anyone. But she chose to sit by me! Then she started talking to me! I must say i was shocked by this since ive never had this happened before. We talked a bit then went for the second test. I was the first to get done with the second test and was ahead of schedule by an hour an a half. Lunch was after this second test also. I had planned on waiting for her to get out of the classroom and then asking her if she wanted to go eat lunch. But i went to the bathroom as soon as i got out. Apparently while i was in the bathroom she got out of the classroom and went somewhere. So i sat there for an hour waiting for her to come out of the classroom. Then the elevator rings and her she comes out of the elevator. I thought "Dam she mustve been out right behing me". I was sitting in the middle of the chairs with nobody on the right or left. There was at least 6 sits to my right and 6 to my left. She sat right beside me. Again this really shocked me and i began to think that she actually liked me. Then we talked untill we went back for the rest of the tests.
After we get done with the last three tests we dont have to take a break. Heres where the sad part comes in. I finished all the tests and then i walked out of the room and went to the bathroom. Then i stood there at least 5 minutes waiting for the dam elevator to come down. Then i walked to my ride home. Without even thinking about her. Not 2 minutes after i get into my car she comes out of the building. I thought to myself i really fucked up by not waiting outside for her to come out so we could talk and/or get some info from her. I really liked her too. And for the first time a girl actually appeared to like me and what do i do? I completely fuck it up. After that i didnt want to go to sleep because i felt so good about talking to people. I didnt even go to sleep untill 6am because i didnt want it to be over i liked it that much. Then i woke up at 5pm and i wanted to do nothing but sleep. Because i was depressed its over, ill never seen her again and i have no way to contact her. Now all i want to do is cry but i cant. I rarely cry and i just had a really good cry last month.
Now i just want to sleep all day and night untill i can see or talk to people my age. Im sick of talking only to my family and having no friends. This wednesday made me realize how much fun and exciting it was to talk to someone my age and actually have friends. Then i come home and here i am without contact to anyone but my family and i hate it. I absoultely hate it.
10-05-08
This post and the one below is equal to over 25000 characters. WOW!
Well this thanksgiving was the one year anniversery since i last talked to my mom. This Thanksgiving wasnt the same as it has been the past years. i was really looking forward to it and it turned out to be a disappointment. Instead of going to my grandmas house (like we have since i can remember) we went to my great grandmas house. The reason for this was my great grandfather (whom is 90) cannot walk that well anymore. So we felt it easier to have it at their house for their sake. Which I guess is the main reason for it not being the same as it has been.
My grandma was acting like a child this thanksgiving. My grandfather wanted to go see his brother on thanksgiving, he did go and see my great grandfather (his father inlaw) and great grandmother for a little while, then he wanted to go see his brother. So my grandma got all pissed off because of it and stayed away from everyone this thanksgiving. She doesnt like my grandfathers brother and my grandma has trust issues with my grandfather. Regardless of what issues she has with him i feel that she should put them aside. Because it was thanksgiving and her childish behaviour wasnt needed or welcomed. So my expectations of this thanksgiving were greatly off because it has been the worst that i can remember.
Last month i got my permit and ive been driving everywhere we have gone. I must say it feels so good to be able to drive. I can only wait untill i get my drivers license. I cant imagine the excitement i will feel when i finally get them. Wednesday went to go take me ged test. This day was probably the best day ive had all year and the worst at the same time. Well in between tests we had to sit outside the room and wait for everyone to finsih taking their tests. So in between the first test i was the first to get finished. Followed by this guy, then this girl. For some reason this girl decided to sit by me. She had many other people she couldve sat by and there was even seats which werent by anyone. But she chose to sit by me! Then she started talking to me! I must say i was shocked by this since ive never had this happened before. We talked a bit then went for the second test. I was the first to get done with the second test and was ahead of schedule by an hour an a half. Lunch was after this second test also. I had planned on waiting for her to get out of the classroom and then asking her if she wanted to go eat lunch. But i went to the bathroom as soon as i got out. Apparently while i was in the bathroom she got out of the classroom and went somewhere. So i sat there for an hour waiting for her to come out of the classroom. Then the elevator rings and her she comes out of the elevator. I thought "Dam she mustve been out right behing me". I was sitting in the middle of the chairs with nobody on the right or left. There was at least 6 sits to my right and 6 to my left. She sat right beside me. Again this really shocked me and i began to think that she actually liked me. Then we talked untill we went back for the rest of the tests.
After we get done with the last three tests we dont have to take a break. Heres where the sad part comes in. I finished all the tests and then i walked out of the room and went to the bathroom. Then i stood there at least 5 minutes waiting for the dam elevator to come down. Then i walked to my ride home. Without even thinking about her. Not 2 minutes after i get into my car she comes out of the building. I thought to myself i really fucked up by not waiting outside for her to come out so we could talk and/or get some info from her. I really liked her too. And for the first time a girl actually appeared to like me and what do i do? I completely fuck it up. After that i didnt want to go to sleep because i felt so good about talking to people. I didnt even go to sleep untill 6am because i didnt want it to be over i liked it that much. Then i woke up at 5pm and i wanted to do nothing but sleep. Because i was depressed its over, ill never seen her again and i have no way to contact her. Now all i want to do is cry but i cant. I rarely cry and i just had a really good cry last month.
Now i just want to sleep all day and night untill i can see or talk to people my age. Im sick of talking only to my family and having no friends. This wednesday made me realize how much fun and exciting it was to talk to someone my age and actually have friends. Then i come home and here i am without contact to anyone but my family and i hate it. I absoultely hate it.
10-05-08
This post and the one below is equal to over 25000 characters. WOW!
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
My life
Well im only posting this to hopefully get some of this off my chest and make me feel better. I dont want any of you to feel sorry for me, im just trying to feel better. Btw im 17 (i was 16 when some of this was written) incase it isnt in the stuff below.
When i was 7 or 8 my parents divorced. My mom lived in these apartments and my dad lived in the same apartments. During that time my mom was unemployed (to my knowledge) and my dad paid for her bills and his. Sometime after being in those apartments my mom meet this guy (doug) and they got married and moved into a house. During this time i was in the 3rd or 4th grade i think. During this time i was beat with belts, clothes hangers and i was once threatened with a electric cord to a radio (i think it was from a radio). My mom never wanted to listen to what i wanted to say. So i eventually got to where i wouldnt talk to anyone (about my feelings). I also didnt have any friends during this time so it was pretty rough. Then around the 6th grade i heard about some kid going into homeschooling. I dont know what i was thinking but it sounded cool to me (i think i was testing my limits to see what i could get away with).
So i brought it up with my mom and she took me out of school to do homeschooling. I was 9,10 or 11 at this time (i dont remember). After she took me out for homeschooling i maybe done a month or two's worth of work then after that i did nothing for the rest of the year. So the next school year rolls around and i go to school again, i had to take a test to see if i know what was required for passing the 6th grade. I passed the test and i went into the 7th grade. During this time school was harder than it was before. I didnt have any friends and no motivation to complete my school work or do my homework, so i didnt. I never did any homework that year. However if we didnt have anything to do in class and we had homework to do i did it then. I never brought my school work home to complete. If i didnt finish it in school then oh well. Anyways i still managed to past my tests (60-80's) even though i didnt pay attention in class and i often didnt do my homework. I slept during science and history. Math was the only subject i actually tried to do good on. So at the end of the 7th grade i failed 2 classes (english and history) so i had to take summer school (2 weeks for each class).
During that time i stayed at my aunts and my uncle took me to school every morning (the drive from where we lived at the time to the summer school place was too expensive). I fell asleep every single day i was there. But they passed me anyways. So now im in the 8th grade. Im still having no motivation to complete my school work so i didnt. If we had a presentation to do i just stayed out of school that day and missed the whole thing. Basically the same stuff that happened in the 7th grade happened in the 8th grade. Half way into the 8th grade i decided to stop going to school. For what reason i dont know. I have no idea what i was thinking at the time. The only thing i can figure out is that i was depressed and couldnt handle going to school anymore. Shortly before i quit we had moved into my grandmas basement (note that my mom never paid any bills to cover for what she was using, she never bought food for use to eat, she left it up to my grandma to pay for eveything,they have a very hard time feeding us and paying for all the bills that my mom should be paying for). So when i had quit school we were living there. I think i was 12 or 13 at this time. I had a blast being home not doing any work. I got to stay up as long as i wanted and got to play games as much as i could. This was all great untill i was 14. Then i kind of got tired of doing the same thing over and over again day after day year after year. The summer of that year i went to stay with my dad (i forgot to mention during the time of me being in 4-8th grade i never visted my dad every other weekend like i was suppose to and i had just recently started going back before i moved in). Now while i was there it was great. Mainly because i got to hang out with my dad and i didnt do the same stuff everyday that i had been doing for so long. After the summer was over i went back to my grandmas house to stay.
I stayed there for another year until i was 16. So when i was 15 i decided to stay with my dad again, but move in this time. So i moved in and everything went fine to me at the time. He got drunk every week (which was normal) and it was always the same crap (but it didnt really bother me because i thought it was okay at the time). So i stayed with him for about 6 months. 4 months into that i started getting irritated about his drinking (keep in mind that in this family we dont talk about our feelings). So i started getting depressed, i then moved back in with my grandma. But only for a short time. After staying maybe a month there i spent the night (weekend) at my aunts (when i was younger i spent every weekend possible at my aunts). I had such a great time i just couldnt leave. I ended up staying there for 6 months. The only reason i left there was because i felt that my cousins were feeling ,i dont know what exactly it was, kinda left out i guess. I started seeing them change so i felt that i needed to leave since i knew it was me being there (while i was there my mom moved my sister into my room without letting my know, she packed up everything of mine, moved it into the closet and let my sister stay in my room while i was at my aunts, once i had found out about this i called her and basically told her off, we then went and got my things which is one of the reasons i stayed so long). So i moved back into my grandmas (still mad at my mom i didnt say a word to her).
I stayed there for another couple of months. Then i moved back in with my dad. But i told him ahead of time to prevent problems that in order for me to move in he had to quit drinking, let my brother have the other room (its a 3 bedroom house with 3 kids and my dad)(i told my dad my brother needed the room because he was emotionally hurt more than i was by my moms actions, she bought my sister a cell phone when she was 10, i was 16 and my brother was 13, while i know i didnt need one it still made me mad that she bought her one instead of my brother), he needed to do stuff with us (take us out to eat and get my brother more social because he really isnt good around people) and get the internet (because my brother cant live without the internet). So he agreed (note that when i told him this he was drinking, he wasnt drunk but he had a few beers [i could tell by his voice]). So we moved in and it took him three weeks to order the internet. I had promised my brother that he was going to order it the week we moved in. I reminded my dad several times about the internet but he just ignored it (thats another thing he doesnt listen to me, he just thinks im some 6 year old kid that cannot think for himself or doing anything without his aid). So during those weeks without the internet every day i became more and more furious with him because he wasnt calling the people to order the people to order the internet (he wasnt even busy, most of those days he just sat on the couch watching tv). So he finally calls them and orders it. It takes them two weeks to get out here and install it. Which didnt help anything. So they finally get the internet installed. After that everything seemed to be going fine. Then one weekend we went to my grandma's. He got drunk that weekend.
I specifically told him no drinking. But he ignored that. So when i came home i found two beers in the fridge. I hid them untill he got home. I was going to confront him about it then but he didnt get home untill 12 or 1 am and i was tired by then. So the next day i told him no drinking. I then got the two beers and poured them down the drain. He told me they were his friends. So since then he hasnt drunk anything to my knowledge. Now comes the really interesting stuff. Sometime his ex-girlfriend got pulled over. I dont remember what events led up to this but apparently her friends were with her and they were know druggies. So they got the dogs in to search the car and some crack/cocaine was in her purse (that she claimed she didnt know was there). She got arrested and her bail was upwards of $5k i believe. I think it was $10k but im not really sure. So my dad maxed his credit card bailing her out of jail (keep in mind they werent going out at the time). So a few weeks after those events they got back together. Then he started going over to her house every single day from the time he got home from work till 10pm or later. At this time my brother and sister were staying at my grandmas for the week so i was home alone.
He basically did that every night, he took her out to eat, went to her house and everything. Didnt invite me to tag along (i dont want to go with them but its the thought that counts). So i was starting to get ill about him spending so much time with her and none with his kids (us). Now everytime he wants to talk to me its always about how she (debbie) did something or how there mom did something or w/e. Then once he is finished with what he wants to say he leaves the room not even given my a chance to respond. So at this time she was going to court. She found out she had to do weekly drug tests and go to meetings. My dad complains about how unfair they are treating are and all this bs. Then she gets a letter saying she is going to get her license pulled for 6 months.....this is where the amazing stuff comes in. He starts telling me that HE is going to have to take her where she wants to go whenever she wants to go there... Now im thinking yea right this isnt going to happen because they didnt know when she was getting her license pulled. So a week ago she gets a letter saying that she is getting her license pulled next week. This is when my dad comes into my room and starts telling me where he has to take her.
I was just about to ask why does he have to take her places when he said something that shocked me....shocked me so much that i didnt hear a single thing he said afterwards...He said that he HAS to take her everywhere....at this point im like whoa what the hell....you have to take her?!?!?! I was just about to ask him why he had to take her but he left the room. Since then i havent really said anything to him because im unsure what to say. Now let me backup a couple days because i got ahead of myself. Now lately my room has been exceptionaly hot. My room is the hottest room in the house and im the person who stays the hottest. So it has recently been extremely hot im my room so much so that i felt like i was going to pass out, i was dizzy from the heat in my room. When i first moved in the thermostat stayed on 74 degrees. It has gradually increased to 76 degrees. Now when it is 74 dgrees in my room im able to stand it. 76 degrees is basically the point that i say this is just ridiculos it needs to be cooler. So i told him that my room is extremely hot compared to the other rooms (ive told him this before), he just ignored it. So the he starts turning it to 77 degrees. This is the point that im sweatingwhile im watching tv. Ive told him this several times but he doesnt listen. So i started turning it down from 77 degrees to 76 degrees.
It makes a huge difference in my room. So when my dad sees it on 76 he turns it up to 77. When i see it on 77 i turn it to 76. This goes on for about a day. Then he comes into my room and asks "are you messing with the thermostat?" to which i reply "yes i sweat im my room when its on 77". He then starts telling my how he needs to save money. Now im thinking okay i understand that he needs to save money. But i also understand that taking his girlfriend out to eat every night for two weeks in a row isnt exactly a good way to keep money. So i stand my ground saying that its not going over 76 degrees. Then he starts telling me how cold it is in the living room. At the time i didnt know this. Bu he keeps the ceiling fan on high on 24/7. This is a powerfull ceiling fan that makes a huge impact on the temparture in the room. So after i see this im like turn the ceiling fan off. Anyways i remember that my window has a crack in it. So im thinking that this could be the source of the sudden heat im feeling. So i examine the window, i found out that my window hotter than any other window in the house. So then im thinking two or three things. The seal is broken on the windows letting heat in, the crack in the window is letting heat in, or the window is just not ( i dont know what they are called) weather proof. So i let my dad know about this thinking he would get a new window.
His response to me telling him was "just think how hot it would be without the window tint on there". At the time i didnt realize it but i think he misunderstood what i was saying. Well back to where we were. I havent talked to him all day because i need to confront him about everything. Im just waiting for the right time and trying to think of what to say. I done some researching and i found this illness called obsessive love. From what i read he is in the fourth and final stage. Now im wanting to confront him about everything because im tired of all this. Something needs to be done with him and his girlfriend. Oh yea i forgot to tell you. He keeps a book in the bedside dresser. In this book he keeps EVERY single interaction with him and his girlfriend. He talks to her for 5 minutes. He rights in this book how long he talked and what he talked about. To be honest sometimes i wish she would just die because it would solve everything. I know it isnt right to think that and i know it would just bring on a new set of problems. But still.... Well there is alot i left out but you got the jist of it. So in the end to sum it up. My family is screwed up, my dad is obsessed with his girlfriend who does nothing but use him,im stressed out from having to deal with everyones life,my moms a bitch she doesnt pay any bills but claims to be out of money while working. She has hardly ever cleaned the house. If child service came we would be taken away because it is unfit to live in.
It's been a while since i wrote everything above. Just putting this here as an update ,i dont even remember what i wrote above and i really dont feel like reading it all so some things might be irrelavent,. Since writing the above i have moved in with my aunt and uncle. We are currently working on getting my GED, so soon maybe ill be getting a job. This is both a good and bad thing. I do want to get a job so i can buy stuff with my own money. But i also know that if i get a job i will have to become more of an adult. Which isnt what i want, i want to still be a kid. I want to be a kid where his parents will be him stuff that he needs no matter the cost. But i know that im not really going to get that. Anyways i will probably get a job anyway and fight off my desire to be a kid because i know its what i need to do. We are also working on getting my permit so i can drive.... FINALLY. I really cannot wait untill the day that i can (if i want) just go out and drive for no reason. Or if i need something i can just go drive and get it without asking someone to take me. Ive been practising playing guitar. Im currently learning how to play sweet child o mine. I can play the intro, chorus, and beginning of the solo to speed. Havent learned any of the other parts yet. However i have learned to play iron man by black sabbath. I can play every part to speed except the first solo. Before i learn anymore parts to sweet child o mine im going to learn to play standing up. Which is a huge challenge since ive never done it before. It will probably be at least a week before im able to play as good as i can sitting down.
Recently my computer has been messing up (as usual) but this time it is hardware instead of software. Ive been getting a loud whirring noise comming from my computer. I done some research and i found out it was because of either the hard drive failing or my fan being mis-aligned and/or needing to be oiled. Since ive noticed my computer having problems i assumed it was the hard drive. So we bought me a new 320gb hard drive (which i love,i finally have a ton of storage space). Anyways we spent $160 on the hard drive and an external sata to usb case. I installed the hard drive and guess what? I still get the same noise. So turns out its the fan making the noise. Just an hour ago i ordered a new fan for my computer. It should be fun putting in because i have no idea how to put one in. Nor does it come with instructions. Eh i like challenges so next week im probably going to spend all day fixing my computer. After i get the fan fixed (in like june) im going to buy a new procceser which will be alot faster and improve battery life. This is going to be a huge challenge because it requires alot of stuff ive never done. But afterward i should finally have a decent computer on my hands.
Well its been about a week or two since i wrote the update above, things seem to be going fine but emotionally for me they are far from it. Last weekend i was depressed the night after this halloween party we had. Now im feeling the same depression. I cant sleep once again when i tried i started to feel like i was having an anxiety attack or a panic attack like last weekend. I wanted to kill myself when i had it last weekend and i know ill feel the same if i let it out right now so i am doing my best to hold it in. Im mainly feeling lonely, i want to do something, have friends and be social. But it just isnt happening.
Theres this girl i really like she was at the party last weekend and several parties before. She is my cousins friend and i really like her. I like her so much it tears me up inside to not be around her. But as much as i like her i cannot seem to let my emotions for her show while she is around. Hell i cant let my emotions show when anyone is around. I would really like to go out with her, she is the most beautiful girl but she isnt your typical girl. She loves the same things i do, for e.g. she plays guitar, i play guitar. She likes to eat alot,i like to eat alot. So much more but i dont feel like writing about that because it will just remind me of how i will never be with her.
I seriously wish everything could just end or at least be like it should. But i know neither is going to happen. Ive pretty much stopped doing the GED thing. I like to learn and im very smart but the way they teach the GED stuff online is just poorly put together and it doesnt really teach anything. This is basically how it works. I pick a subject for e.g. lets say math. I then have several units on this subject (1-8). I start from unit 1, which has 5 chapters. This is the main problem with the GED thing. In the first chapter there will be 10-30 pages that will have nothing more than 3 paragraphs telling you how to solve the equations. Then they will probably teach you 10 different things in that one chapter. When you reach the end of the chapter you get a 6 question test. Each question represents a different method you learned in the chapter. Its just so stupid, giving me 6 questions at the end of a chapter isnt going to prove if i know the stuff or not. After that chapter they not one single time refresh our memory on it. So then you would think "so no biggie just do the chapter again" right? WRONG! Because they are the same damn questions and i have a very good memory i remember the answers. So im memorizing the answers and not the subject.
I have no motivation to do the GED thing and learn. My aunt is lazy so she doesnt try to get me to do any of it. I have no real reason to do the thing so then i get depressed about that. I want to do better. I want to be better than my grandma, mother, and father were. I do not want to end up like them. I try as hard as i can to change and be different but with no support i feel like im trying for something that will never be. At the end of everyday i have done nothing to talk about. I want to talk to people but i really have nothing to talk about because i dont do anything and it pisses me off that i dont have anything to look forward to. I just dont know what to do anymore its just become too much for me to handle and im starting to breakdown. Im trying to stand strong and try to make the best out of everything but it just isnt happening. The only time im ever truely happy is when im with my cousins friend. Then when she goes home its just a reminder of how shitty my life is.
Im too shy to break the ice and start a conversation with her. But if she were to start a conversation with me i could easily carry it along and probably talk all night long. It would be easier for me to talk to her first if i did it through cellphones but wait! I dont have one of those either. I just want to be normal. Something that i will never get no matter how hard i try apparently. Because ive tried for 3 years now and nothing new has happened nothing has changed except im more depressed than ever.
On the bright side i did finally find and download a air combat game. Ive been looking for a good one for ages and finally found a decent one called aces high II. Also i finally found not one but TWO good vista themes for windows xp and some cursors to match....thats the highlight of my week.
(btw i succesfully put the new fan in my computer, i also took apart the whole thing and put it back together in a record 40 minutes and the noise is finally gone)
When i was 7 or 8 my parents divorced. My mom lived in these apartments and my dad lived in the same apartments. During that time my mom was unemployed (to my knowledge) and my dad paid for her bills and his. Sometime after being in those apartments my mom meet this guy (doug) and they got married and moved into a house. During this time i was in the 3rd or 4th grade i think. During this time i was beat with belts, clothes hangers and i was once threatened with a electric cord to a radio (i think it was from a radio). My mom never wanted to listen to what i wanted to say. So i eventually got to where i wouldnt talk to anyone (about my feelings). I also didnt have any friends during this time so it was pretty rough. Then around the 6th grade i heard about some kid going into homeschooling. I dont know what i was thinking but it sounded cool to me (i think i was testing my limits to see what i could get away with).
So i brought it up with my mom and she took me out of school to do homeschooling. I was 9,10 or 11 at this time (i dont remember). After she took me out for homeschooling i maybe done a month or two's worth of work then after that i did nothing for the rest of the year. So the next school year rolls around and i go to school again, i had to take a test to see if i know what was required for passing the 6th grade. I passed the test and i went into the 7th grade. During this time school was harder than it was before. I didnt have any friends and no motivation to complete my school work or do my homework, so i didnt. I never did any homework that year. However if we didnt have anything to do in class and we had homework to do i did it then. I never brought my school work home to complete. If i didnt finish it in school then oh well. Anyways i still managed to past my tests (60-80's) even though i didnt pay attention in class and i often didnt do my homework. I slept during science and history. Math was the only subject i actually tried to do good on. So at the end of the 7th grade i failed 2 classes (english and history) so i had to take summer school (2 weeks for each class).
During that time i stayed at my aunts and my uncle took me to school every morning (the drive from where we lived at the time to the summer school place was too expensive). I fell asleep every single day i was there. But they passed me anyways. So now im in the 8th grade. Im still having no motivation to complete my school work so i didnt. If we had a presentation to do i just stayed out of school that day and missed the whole thing. Basically the same stuff that happened in the 7th grade happened in the 8th grade. Half way into the 8th grade i decided to stop going to school. For what reason i dont know. I have no idea what i was thinking at the time. The only thing i can figure out is that i was depressed and couldnt handle going to school anymore. Shortly before i quit we had moved into my grandmas basement (note that my mom never paid any bills to cover for what she was using, she never bought food for use to eat, she left it up to my grandma to pay for eveything,they have a very hard time feeding us and paying for all the bills that my mom should be paying for). So when i had quit school we were living there. I think i was 12 or 13 at this time. I had a blast being home not doing any work. I got to stay up as long as i wanted and got to play games as much as i could. This was all great untill i was 14. Then i kind of got tired of doing the same thing over and over again day after day year after year. The summer of that year i went to stay with my dad (i forgot to mention during the time of me being in 4-8th grade i never visted my dad every other weekend like i was suppose to and i had just recently started going back before i moved in). Now while i was there it was great. Mainly because i got to hang out with my dad and i didnt do the same stuff everyday that i had been doing for so long. After the summer was over i went back to my grandmas house to stay.
I stayed there for another year until i was 16. So when i was 15 i decided to stay with my dad again, but move in this time. So i moved in and everything went fine to me at the time. He got drunk every week (which was normal) and it was always the same crap (but it didnt really bother me because i thought it was okay at the time). So i stayed with him for about 6 months. 4 months into that i started getting irritated about his drinking (keep in mind that in this family we dont talk about our feelings). So i started getting depressed, i then moved back in with my grandma. But only for a short time. After staying maybe a month there i spent the night (weekend) at my aunts (when i was younger i spent every weekend possible at my aunts). I had such a great time i just couldnt leave. I ended up staying there for 6 months. The only reason i left there was because i felt that my cousins were feeling ,i dont know what exactly it was, kinda left out i guess. I started seeing them change so i felt that i needed to leave since i knew it was me being there (while i was there my mom moved my sister into my room without letting my know, she packed up everything of mine, moved it into the closet and let my sister stay in my room while i was at my aunts, once i had found out about this i called her and basically told her off, we then went and got my things which is one of the reasons i stayed so long). So i moved back into my grandmas (still mad at my mom i didnt say a word to her).
I stayed there for another couple of months. Then i moved back in with my dad. But i told him ahead of time to prevent problems that in order for me to move in he had to quit drinking, let my brother have the other room (its a 3 bedroom house with 3 kids and my dad)(i told my dad my brother needed the room because he was emotionally hurt more than i was by my moms actions, she bought my sister a cell phone when she was 10, i was 16 and my brother was 13, while i know i didnt need one it still made me mad that she bought her one instead of my brother), he needed to do stuff with us (take us out to eat and get my brother more social because he really isnt good around people) and get the internet (because my brother cant live without the internet). So he agreed (note that when i told him this he was drinking, he wasnt drunk but he had a few beers [i could tell by his voice]). So we moved in and it took him three weeks to order the internet. I had promised my brother that he was going to order it the week we moved in. I reminded my dad several times about the internet but he just ignored it (thats another thing he doesnt listen to me, he just thinks im some 6 year old kid that cannot think for himself or doing anything without his aid). So during those weeks without the internet every day i became more and more furious with him because he wasnt calling the people to order the people to order the internet (he wasnt even busy, most of those days he just sat on the couch watching tv). So he finally calls them and orders it. It takes them two weeks to get out here and install it. Which didnt help anything. So they finally get the internet installed. After that everything seemed to be going fine. Then one weekend we went to my grandma's. He got drunk that weekend.
I specifically told him no drinking. But he ignored that. So when i came home i found two beers in the fridge. I hid them untill he got home. I was going to confront him about it then but he didnt get home untill 12 or 1 am and i was tired by then. So the next day i told him no drinking. I then got the two beers and poured them down the drain. He told me they were his friends. So since then he hasnt drunk anything to my knowledge. Now comes the really interesting stuff. Sometime his ex-girlfriend got pulled over. I dont remember what events led up to this but apparently her friends were with her and they were know druggies. So they got the dogs in to search the car and some crack/cocaine was in her purse (that she claimed she didnt know was there). She got arrested and her bail was upwards of $5k i believe. I think it was $10k but im not really sure. So my dad maxed his credit card bailing her out of jail (keep in mind they werent going out at the time). So a few weeks after those events they got back together. Then he started going over to her house every single day from the time he got home from work till 10pm or later. At this time my brother and sister were staying at my grandmas for the week so i was home alone.
He basically did that every night, he took her out to eat, went to her house and everything. Didnt invite me to tag along (i dont want to go with them but its the thought that counts). So i was starting to get ill about him spending so much time with her and none with his kids (us). Now everytime he wants to talk to me its always about how she (debbie) did something or how there mom did something or w/e. Then once he is finished with what he wants to say he leaves the room not even given my a chance to respond. So at this time she was going to court. She found out she had to do weekly drug tests and go to meetings. My dad complains about how unfair they are treating are and all this bs. Then she gets a letter saying she is going to get her license pulled for 6 months.....this is where the amazing stuff comes in. He starts telling me that HE is going to have to take her where she wants to go whenever she wants to go there... Now im thinking yea right this isnt going to happen because they didnt know when she was getting her license pulled. So a week ago she gets a letter saying that she is getting her license pulled next week. This is when my dad comes into my room and starts telling me where he has to take her.
I was just about to ask why does he have to take her places when he said something that shocked me....shocked me so much that i didnt hear a single thing he said afterwards...He said that he HAS to take her everywhere....at this point im like whoa what the hell....you have to take her?!?!?! I was just about to ask him why he had to take her but he left the room. Since then i havent really said anything to him because im unsure what to say. Now let me backup a couple days because i got ahead of myself. Now lately my room has been exceptionaly hot. My room is the hottest room in the house and im the person who stays the hottest. So it has recently been extremely hot im my room so much so that i felt like i was going to pass out, i was dizzy from the heat in my room. When i first moved in the thermostat stayed on 74 degrees. It has gradually increased to 76 degrees. Now when it is 74 dgrees in my room im able to stand it. 76 degrees is basically the point that i say this is just ridiculos it needs to be cooler. So i told him that my room is extremely hot compared to the other rooms (ive told him this before), he just ignored it. So the he starts turning it to 77 degrees. This is the point that im sweatingwhile im watching tv. Ive told him this several times but he doesnt listen. So i started turning it down from 77 degrees to 76 degrees.
It makes a huge difference in my room. So when my dad sees it on 76 he turns it up to 77. When i see it on 77 i turn it to 76. This goes on for about a day. Then he comes into my room and asks "are you messing with the thermostat?" to which i reply "yes i sweat im my room when its on 77". He then starts telling my how he needs to save money. Now im thinking okay i understand that he needs to save money. But i also understand that taking his girlfriend out to eat every night for two weeks in a row isnt exactly a good way to keep money. So i stand my ground saying that its not going over 76 degrees. Then he starts telling me how cold it is in the living room. At the time i didnt know this. Bu he keeps the ceiling fan on high on 24/7. This is a powerfull ceiling fan that makes a huge impact on the temparture in the room. So after i see this im like turn the ceiling fan off. Anyways i remember that my window has a crack in it. So im thinking that this could be the source of the sudden heat im feeling. So i examine the window, i found out that my window hotter than any other window in the house. So then im thinking two or three things. The seal is broken on the windows letting heat in, the crack in the window is letting heat in, or the window is just not ( i dont know what they are called) weather proof. So i let my dad know about this thinking he would get a new window.
His response to me telling him was "just think how hot it would be without the window tint on there". At the time i didnt realize it but i think he misunderstood what i was saying. Well back to where we were. I havent talked to him all day because i need to confront him about everything. Im just waiting for the right time and trying to think of what to say. I done some researching and i found this illness called obsessive love. From what i read he is in the fourth and final stage. Now im wanting to confront him about everything because im tired of all this. Something needs to be done with him and his girlfriend. Oh yea i forgot to tell you. He keeps a book in the bedside dresser. In this book he keeps EVERY single interaction with him and his girlfriend. He talks to her for 5 minutes. He rights in this book how long he talked and what he talked about. To be honest sometimes i wish she would just die because it would solve everything. I know it isnt right to think that and i know it would just bring on a new set of problems. But still.... Well there is alot i left out but you got the jist of it. So in the end to sum it up. My family is screwed up, my dad is obsessed with his girlfriend who does nothing but use him,im stressed out from having to deal with everyones life,my moms a bitch she doesnt pay any bills but claims to be out of money while working. She has hardly ever cleaned the house. If child service came we would be taken away because it is unfit to live in.
It's been a while since i wrote everything above. Just putting this here as an update ,i dont even remember what i wrote above and i really dont feel like reading it all so some things might be irrelavent,. Since writing the above i have moved in with my aunt and uncle. We are currently working on getting my GED, so soon maybe ill be getting a job. This is both a good and bad thing. I do want to get a job so i can buy stuff with my own money. But i also know that if i get a job i will have to become more of an adult. Which isnt what i want, i want to still be a kid. I want to be a kid where his parents will be him stuff that he needs no matter the cost. But i know that im not really going to get that. Anyways i will probably get a job anyway and fight off my desire to be a kid because i know its what i need to do. We are also working on getting my permit so i can drive.... FINALLY. I really cannot wait untill the day that i can (if i want) just go out and drive for no reason. Or if i need something i can just go drive and get it without asking someone to take me. Ive been practising playing guitar. Im currently learning how to play sweet child o mine. I can play the intro, chorus, and beginning of the solo to speed. Havent learned any of the other parts yet. However i have learned to play iron man by black sabbath. I can play every part to speed except the first solo. Before i learn anymore parts to sweet child o mine im going to learn to play standing up. Which is a huge challenge since ive never done it before. It will probably be at least a week before im able to play as good as i can sitting down.
Recently my computer has been messing up (as usual) but this time it is hardware instead of software. Ive been getting a loud whirring noise comming from my computer. I done some research and i found out it was because of either the hard drive failing or my fan being mis-aligned and/or needing to be oiled. Since ive noticed my computer having problems i assumed it was the hard drive. So we bought me a new 320gb hard drive (which i love,i finally have a ton of storage space). Anyways we spent $160 on the hard drive and an external sata to usb case. I installed the hard drive and guess what? I still get the same noise. So turns out its the fan making the noise. Just an hour ago i ordered a new fan for my computer. It should be fun putting in because i have no idea how to put one in. Nor does it come with instructions. Eh i like challenges so next week im probably going to spend all day fixing my computer. After i get the fan fixed (in like june) im going to buy a new procceser which will be alot faster and improve battery life. This is going to be a huge challenge because it requires alot of stuff ive never done. But afterward i should finally have a decent computer on my hands.
Well its been about a week or two since i wrote the update above, things seem to be going fine but emotionally for me they are far from it. Last weekend i was depressed the night after this halloween party we had. Now im feeling the same depression. I cant sleep once again when i tried i started to feel like i was having an anxiety attack or a panic attack like last weekend. I wanted to kill myself when i had it last weekend and i know ill feel the same if i let it out right now so i am doing my best to hold it in. Im mainly feeling lonely, i want to do something, have friends and be social. But it just isnt happening.
Theres this girl i really like she was at the party last weekend and several parties before. She is my cousins friend and i really like her. I like her so much it tears me up inside to not be around her. But as much as i like her i cannot seem to let my emotions for her show while she is around. Hell i cant let my emotions show when anyone is around. I would really like to go out with her, she is the most beautiful girl but she isnt your typical girl. She loves the same things i do, for e.g. she plays guitar, i play guitar. She likes to eat alot,i like to eat alot. So much more but i dont feel like writing about that because it will just remind me of how i will never be with her.
I seriously wish everything could just end or at least be like it should. But i know neither is going to happen. Ive pretty much stopped doing the GED thing. I like to learn and im very smart but the way they teach the GED stuff online is just poorly put together and it doesnt really teach anything. This is basically how it works. I pick a subject for e.g. lets say math. I then have several units on this subject (1-8). I start from unit 1, which has 5 chapters. This is the main problem with the GED thing. In the first chapter there will be 10-30 pages that will have nothing more than 3 paragraphs telling you how to solve the equations. Then they will probably teach you 10 different things in that one chapter. When you reach the end of the chapter you get a 6 question test. Each question represents a different method you learned in the chapter. Its just so stupid, giving me 6 questions at the end of a chapter isnt going to prove if i know the stuff or not. After that chapter they not one single time refresh our memory on it. So then you would think "so no biggie just do the chapter again" right? WRONG! Because they are the same damn questions and i have a very good memory i remember the answers. So im memorizing the answers and not the subject.
I have no motivation to do the GED thing and learn. My aunt is lazy so she doesnt try to get me to do any of it. I have no real reason to do the thing so then i get depressed about that. I want to do better. I want to be better than my grandma, mother, and father were. I do not want to end up like them. I try as hard as i can to change and be different but with no support i feel like im trying for something that will never be. At the end of everyday i have done nothing to talk about. I want to talk to people but i really have nothing to talk about because i dont do anything and it pisses me off that i dont have anything to look forward to. I just dont know what to do anymore its just become too much for me to handle and im starting to breakdown. Im trying to stand strong and try to make the best out of everything but it just isnt happening. The only time im ever truely happy is when im with my cousins friend. Then when she goes home its just a reminder of how shitty my life is.
Im too shy to break the ice and start a conversation with her. But if she were to start a conversation with me i could easily carry it along and probably talk all night long. It would be easier for me to talk to her first if i did it through cellphones but wait! I dont have one of those either. I just want to be normal. Something that i will never get no matter how hard i try apparently. Because ive tried for 3 years now and nothing new has happened nothing has changed except im more depressed than ever.
On the bright side i did finally find and download a air combat game. Ive been looking for a good one for ages and finally found a decent one called aces high II. Also i finally found not one but TWO good vista themes for windows xp and some cursors to match....thats the highlight of my week.
(btw i succesfully put the new fan in my computer, i also took apart the whole thing and put it back together in a record 40 minutes and the noise is finally gone)
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