Well im only posting this to hopefully get some of this off my chest and make me feel better. I dont want any of you to feel sorry for me, im just trying to feel better. Btw im 17 (i was 16 when some of this was written) incase it isnt in the stuff below.
When i was 7 or 8 my parents divorced. My mom lived in these apartments and my dad lived in the same apartments. During that time my mom was unemployed (to my knowledge) and my dad paid for her bills and his. Sometime after being in those apartments my mom meet this guy (doug) and they got married and moved into a house. During this time i was in the 3rd or 4th grade i think. During this time i was beat with belts, clothes hangers and i was once threatened with a electric cord to a radio (i think it was from a radio). My mom never wanted to listen to what i wanted to say. So i eventually got to where i wouldnt talk to anyone (about my feelings). I also didnt have any friends during this time so it was pretty rough. Then around the 6th grade i heard about some kid going into homeschooling. I dont know what i was thinking but it sounded cool to me (i think i was testing my limits to see what i could get away with).
So i brought it up with my mom and she took me out of school to do homeschooling. I was 9,10 or 11 at this time (i dont remember). After she took me out for homeschooling i maybe done a month or two's worth of work then after that i did nothing for the rest of the year. So the next school year rolls around and i go to school again, i had to take a test to see if i know what was required for passing the 6th grade. I passed the test and i went into the 7th grade. During this time school was harder than it was before. I didnt have any friends and no motivation to complete my school work or do my homework, so i didnt. I never did any homework that year. However if we didnt have anything to do in class and we had homework to do i did it then. I never brought my school work home to complete. If i didnt finish it in school then oh well. Anyways i still managed to past my tests (60-80's) even though i didnt pay attention in class and i often didnt do my homework. I slept during science and history. Math was the only subject i actually tried to do good on. So at the end of the 7th grade i failed 2 classes (english and history) so i had to take summer school (2 weeks for each class).
During that time i stayed at my aunts and my uncle took me to school every morning (the drive from where we lived at the time to the summer school place was too expensive). I fell asleep every single day i was there. But they passed me anyways. So now im in the 8th grade. Im still having no motivation to complete my school work so i didnt. If we had a presentation to do i just stayed out of school that day and missed the whole thing. Basically the same stuff that happened in the 7th grade happened in the 8th grade. Half way into the 8th grade i decided to stop going to school. For what reason i dont know. I have no idea what i was thinking at the time. The only thing i can figure out is that i was depressed and couldnt handle going to school anymore. Shortly before i quit we had moved into my grandmas basement (note that my mom never paid any bills to cover for what she was using, she never bought food for use to eat, she left it up to my grandma to pay for eveything,they have a very hard time feeding us and paying for all the bills that my mom should be paying for). So when i had quit school we were living there. I think i was 12 or 13 at this time. I had a blast being home not doing any work. I got to stay up as long as i wanted and got to play games as much as i could. This was all great untill i was 14. Then i kind of got tired of doing the same thing over and over again day after day year after year. The summer of that year i went to stay with my dad (i forgot to mention during the time of me being in 4-8th grade i never visted my dad every other weekend like i was suppose to and i had just recently started going back before i moved in). Now while i was there it was great. Mainly because i got to hang out with my dad and i didnt do the same stuff everyday that i had been doing for so long. After the summer was over i went back to my grandmas house to stay.
I stayed there for another year until i was 16. So when i was 15 i decided to stay with my dad again, but move in this time. So i moved in and everything went fine to me at the time. He got drunk every week (which was normal) and it was always the same crap (but it didnt really bother me because i thought it was okay at the time). So i stayed with him for about 6 months. 4 months into that i started getting irritated about his drinking (keep in mind that in this family we dont talk about our feelings). So i started getting depressed, i then moved back in with my grandma. But only for a short time. After staying maybe a month there i spent the night (weekend) at my aunts (when i was younger i spent every weekend possible at my aunts). I had such a great time i just couldnt leave. I ended up staying there for 6 months. The only reason i left there was because i felt that my cousins were feeling ,i dont know what exactly it was, kinda left out i guess. I started seeing them change so i felt that i needed to leave since i knew it was me being there (while i was there my mom moved my sister into my room without letting my know, she packed up everything of mine, moved it into the closet and let my sister stay in my room while i was at my aunts, once i had found out about this i called her and basically told her off, we then went and got my things which is one of the reasons i stayed so long). So i moved back into my grandmas (still mad at my mom i didnt say a word to her).
I stayed there for another couple of months. Then i moved back in with my dad. But i told him ahead of time to prevent problems that in order for me to move in he had to quit drinking, let my brother have the other room (its a 3 bedroom house with 3 kids and my dad)(i told my dad my brother needed the room because he was emotionally hurt more than i was by my moms actions, she bought my sister a cell phone when she was 10, i was 16 and my brother was 13, while i know i didnt need one it still made me mad that she bought her one instead of my brother), he needed to do stuff with us (take us out to eat and get my brother more social because he really isnt good around people) and get the internet (because my brother cant live without the internet). So he agreed (note that when i told him this he was drinking, he wasnt drunk but he had a few beers [i could tell by his voice]). So we moved in and it took him three weeks to order the internet. I had promised my brother that he was going to order it the week we moved in. I reminded my dad several times about the internet but he just ignored it (thats another thing he doesnt listen to me, he just thinks im some 6 year old kid that cannot think for himself or doing anything without his aid). So during those weeks without the internet every day i became more and more furious with him because he wasnt calling the people to order the people to order the internet (he wasnt even busy, most of those days he just sat on the couch watching tv). So he finally calls them and orders it. It takes them two weeks to get out here and install it. Which didnt help anything. So they finally get the internet installed. After that everything seemed to be going fine. Then one weekend we went to my grandma's. He got drunk that weekend.
I specifically told him no drinking. But he ignored that. So when i came home i found two beers in the fridge. I hid them untill he got home. I was going to confront him about it then but he didnt get home untill 12 or 1 am and i was tired by then. So the next day i told him no drinking. I then got the two beers and poured them down the drain. He told me they were his friends. So since then he hasnt drunk anything to my knowledge. Now comes the really interesting stuff. Sometime his ex-girlfriend got pulled over. I dont remember what events led up to this but apparently her friends were with her and they were know druggies. So they got the dogs in to search the car and some crack/cocaine was in her purse (that she claimed she didnt know was there). She got arrested and her bail was upwards of $5k i believe. I think it was $10k but im not really sure. So my dad maxed his credit card bailing her out of jail (keep in mind they werent going out at the time). So a few weeks after those events they got back together. Then he started going over to her house every single day from the time he got home from work till 10pm or later. At this time my brother and sister were staying at my grandmas for the week so i was home alone.
He basically did that every night, he took her out to eat, went to her house and everything. Didnt invite me to tag along (i dont want to go with them but its the thought that counts). So i was starting to get ill about him spending so much time with her and none with his kids (us). Now everytime he wants to talk to me its always about how she (debbie) did something or how there mom did something or w/e. Then once he is finished with what he wants to say he leaves the room not even given my a chance to respond. So at this time she was going to court. She found out she had to do weekly drug tests and go to meetings. My dad complains about how unfair they are treating are and all this bs. Then she gets a letter saying she is going to get her license pulled for 6 months.....this is where the amazing stuff comes in. He starts telling me that HE is going to have to take her where she wants to go whenever she wants to go there... Now im thinking yea right this isnt going to happen because they didnt know when she was getting her license pulled. So a week ago she gets a letter saying that she is getting her license pulled next week. This is when my dad comes into my room and starts telling me where he has to take her.
I was just about to ask why does he have to take her places when he said something that shocked me....shocked me so much that i didnt hear a single thing he said afterwards...He said that he HAS to take her everywhere....at this point im like whoa what the hell....you have to take her?!?!?! I was just about to ask him why he had to take her but he left the room. Since then i havent really said anything to him because im unsure what to say. Now let me backup a couple days because i got ahead of myself. Now lately my room has been exceptionaly hot. My room is the hottest room in the house and im the person who stays the hottest. So it has recently been extremely hot im my room so much so that i felt like i was going to pass out, i was dizzy from the heat in my room. When i first moved in the thermostat stayed on 74 degrees. It has gradually increased to 76 degrees. Now when it is 74 dgrees in my room im able to stand it. 76 degrees is basically the point that i say this is just ridiculos it needs to be cooler. So i told him that my room is extremely hot compared to the other rooms (ive told him this before), he just ignored it. So the he starts turning it to 77 degrees. This is the point that im sweatingwhile im watching tv. Ive told him this several times but he doesnt listen. So i started turning it down from 77 degrees to 76 degrees.
It makes a huge difference in my room. So when my dad sees it on 76 he turns it up to 77. When i see it on 77 i turn it to 76. This goes on for about a day. Then he comes into my room and asks "are you messing with the thermostat?" to which i reply "yes i sweat im my room when its on 77". He then starts telling my how he needs to save money. Now im thinking okay i understand that he needs to save money. But i also understand that taking his girlfriend out to eat every night for two weeks in a row isnt exactly a good way to keep money. So i stand my ground saying that its not going over 76 degrees. Then he starts telling me how cold it is in the living room. At the time i didnt know this. Bu he keeps the ceiling fan on high on 24/7. This is a powerfull ceiling fan that makes a huge impact on the temparture in the room. So after i see this im like turn the ceiling fan off. Anyways i remember that my window has a crack in it. So im thinking that this could be the source of the sudden heat im feeling. So i examine the window, i found out that my window hotter than any other window in the house. So then im thinking two or three things. The seal is broken on the windows letting heat in, the crack in the window is letting heat in, or the window is just not ( i dont know what they are called) weather proof. So i let my dad know about this thinking he would get a new window.
His response to me telling him was "just think how hot it would be without the window tint on there". At the time i didnt realize it but i think he misunderstood what i was saying. Well back to where we were. I havent talked to him all day because i need to confront him about everything. Im just waiting for the right time and trying to think of what to say. I done some researching and i found this illness called obsessive love. From what i read he is in the fourth and final stage. Now im wanting to confront him about everything because im tired of all this. Something needs to be done with him and his girlfriend. Oh yea i forgot to tell you. He keeps a book in the bedside dresser. In this book he keeps EVERY single interaction with him and his girlfriend. He talks to her for 5 minutes. He rights in this book how long he talked and what he talked about. To be honest sometimes i wish she would just die because it would solve everything. I know it isnt right to think that and i know it would just bring on a new set of problems. But still.... Well there is alot i left out but you got the jist of it. So in the end to sum it up. My family is screwed up, my dad is obsessed with his girlfriend who does nothing but use him,im stressed out from having to deal with everyones life,my moms a bitch she doesnt pay any bills but claims to be out of money while working. She has hardly ever cleaned the house. If child service came we would be taken away because it is unfit to live in.
It's been a while since i wrote everything above. Just putting this here as an update ,i dont even remember what i wrote above and i really dont feel like reading it all so some things might be irrelavent,. Since writing the above i have moved in with my aunt and uncle. We are currently working on getting my GED, so soon maybe ill be getting a job. This is both a good and bad thing. I do want to get a job so i can buy stuff with my own money. But i also know that if i get a job i will have to become more of an adult. Which isnt what i want, i want to still be a kid. I want to be a kid where his parents will be him stuff that he needs no matter the cost. But i know that im not really going to get that. Anyways i will probably get a job anyway and fight off my desire to be a kid because i know its what i need to do. We are also working on getting my permit so i can drive.... FINALLY. I really cannot wait untill the day that i can (if i want) just go out and drive for no reason. Or if i need something i can just go drive and get it without asking someone to take me. Ive been practising playing guitar. Im currently learning how to play sweet child o mine. I can play the intro, chorus, and beginning of the solo to speed. Havent learned any of the other parts yet. However i have learned to play iron man by black sabbath. I can play every part to speed except the first solo. Before i learn anymore parts to sweet child o mine im going to learn to play standing up. Which is a huge challenge since ive never done it before. It will probably be at least a week before im able to play as good as i can sitting down.
Recently my computer has been messing up (as usual) but this time it is hardware instead of software. Ive been getting a loud whirring noise comming from my computer. I done some research and i found out it was because of either the hard drive failing or my fan being mis-aligned and/or needing to be oiled. Since ive noticed my computer having problems i assumed it was the hard drive. So we bought me a new 320gb hard drive (which i love,i finally have a ton of storage space). Anyways we spent $160 on the hard drive and an external sata to usb case. I installed the hard drive and guess what? I still get the same noise. So turns out its the fan making the noise. Just an hour ago i ordered a new fan for my computer. It should be fun putting in because i have no idea how to put one in. Nor does it come with instructions. Eh i like challenges so next week im probably going to spend all day fixing my computer. After i get the fan fixed (in like june) im going to buy a new procceser which will be alot faster and improve battery life. This is going to be a huge challenge because it requires alot of stuff ive never done. But afterward i should finally have a decent computer on my hands.
Well its been about a week or two since i wrote the update above, things seem to be going fine but emotionally for me they are far from it. Last weekend i was depressed the night after this halloween party we had. Now im feeling the same depression. I cant sleep once again when i tried i started to feel like i was having an anxiety attack or a panic attack like last weekend. I wanted to kill myself when i had it last weekend and i know ill feel the same if i let it out right now so i am doing my best to hold it in. Im mainly feeling lonely, i want to do something, have friends and be social. But it just isnt happening.
Theres this girl i really like she was at the party last weekend and several parties before. She is my cousins friend and i really like her. I like her so much it tears me up inside to not be around her. But as much as i like her i cannot seem to let my emotions for her show while she is around. Hell i cant let my emotions show when anyone is around. I would really like to go out with her, she is the most beautiful girl but she isnt your typical girl. She loves the same things i do, for e.g. she plays guitar, i play guitar. She likes to eat alot,i like to eat alot. So much more but i dont feel like writing about that because it will just remind me of how i will never be with her.
I seriously wish everything could just end or at least be like it should. But i know neither is going to happen. Ive pretty much stopped doing the GED thing. I like to learn and im very smart but the way they teach the GED stuff online is just poorly put together and it doesnt really teach anything. This is basically how it works. I pick a subject for e.g. lets say math. I then have several units on this subject (1-8). I start from unit 1, which has 5 chapters. This is the main problem with the GED thing. In the first chapter there will be 10-30 pages that will have nothing more than 3 paragraphs telling you how to solve the equations. Then they will probably teach you 10 different things in that one chapter. When you reach the end of the chapter you get a 6 question test. Each question represents a different method you learned in the chapter. Its just so stupid, giving me 6 questions at the end of a chapter isnt going to prove if i know the stuff or not. After that chapter they not one single time refresh our memory on it. So then you would think "so no biggie just do the chapter again" right? WRONG! Because they are the same damn questions and i have a very good memory i remember the answers. So im memorizing the answers and not the subject.
I have no motivation to do the GED thing and learn. My aunt is lazy so she doesnt try to get me to do any of it. I have no real reason to do the thing so then i get depressed about that. I want to do better. I want to be better than my grandma, mother, and father were. I do not want to end up like them. I try as hard as i can to change and be different but with no support i feel like im trying for something that will never be. At the end of everyday i have done nothing to talk about. I want to talk to people but i really have nothing to talk about because i dont do anything and it pisses me off that i dont have anything to look forward to. I just dont know what to do anymore its just become too much for me to handle and im starting to breakdown. Im trying to stand strong and try to make the best out of everything but it just isnt happening. The only time im ever truely happy is when im with my cousins friend. Then when she goes home its just a reminder of how shitty my life is.
Im too shy to break the ice and start a conversation with her. But if she were to start a conversation with me i could easily carry it along and probably talk all night long. It would be easier for me to talk to her first if i did it through cellphones but wait! I dont have one of those either. I just want to be normal. Something that i will never get no matter how hard i try apparently. Because ive tried for 3 years now and nothing new has happened nothing has changed except im more depressed than ever.
On the bright side i did finally find and download a air combat game. Ive been looking for a good one for ages and finally found a decent one called aces high II. Also i finally found not one but TWO good vista themes for windows xp and some cursors to match....thats the highlight of my week.
(btw i succesfully put the new fan in my computer, i also took apart the whole thing and put it back together in a record 40 minutes and the noise is finally gone)
