2-25-12

I didnt read the previous entry, nor do i remember what was written. If i forget to follow up on something this is why.


So since the last entry i moved from my aunts back to my dads. We werent fighting this time but i was just so sick of the repetitive routine my dad did. It annoyed me. I voiced my opinion in a neutral manner, however this was to no avail.

My grannie and pa got put into the nursing home a few months ago. They needed it, my family couldnt take care of them anymore. Plus seeing people daily and having events is good for them. Them going into the nursing home made me come to a few realizations.

Ive been beating myself up, asking why i must live this way for a few years now. Little did i know that a simple movie on netflix could answer this for me. I watched this movie about these strangers who went to a diner. This diner was waited on by Jesus christ. Through the movie it made me understand a little about God.

I learned that God gives me everything i need to make it, i just have to ask. Anyways i hated myself for this act for a long time. I gave in to temptation time and time again. Knowing it was wrong, but not knowing thw potential impact it had for others involved. At the end of this movie i realized that had this event not occurred, i may not have seen this movie. I may not have asked for forgiveness that night, which little did I know would set off a chain of events that would be what i had asked for.

Prior to my great grandparents going into the nursing home there was waiting on paper work, waiting for rooms to be opened and them to move up the list for months. The day following me askinf for forgiveness my grandma got a call saying my great grandparents could come to the nursing home as soon as they could. She called me and i finally saw. I finally realized what i had known for so long, but never seen myself experience. I saw gods love.

I saw this because as i said the events that have perspired since that call could have only come from god. With them going to the nursing home, their house became vacant. My "mother" was given the privilege of living there rent free, despite my opinion. Regardless this left my grandparents basement open. I cleaned the entire mess that shouldve never been for 3 solid 8 hour days. I pulled the old carpet, installed new carpet. Now this basement is what my grandparents deserved all along. Clean.

I moved in shortly after. I finally had the independence I had been seeking. Im responsible for what i eat, when i sleep, what i do. I love it. However it has lead me to see that, the annoyances i had dealt with ahouldnt havent been that bad. Because little did i expect that this independence would come hand in hand with loneliness.
Sure my grandma is above. But her mind is slipping, she cant think rationally anymore and overall she has went downhill health wise.

But with this loneliness came motivation. Motivation to become the person Ive seen myself as for a long time. But nobody else has seen. Ive went down 2 pant sizes in the first monrh of living here. Ive also started p90x. Im about to start week 3 of the program. Im hoping to losing 60-100lbs and be in good shape.

I believe doing this will lead me to finding a girlfriend, which will rid me of loneliness. But this cant happen till i lose weight. Because I need a girl to see my for who i am. And i am not this fat person.

So enough about that. I have not made contact with my aunt or any of them since i moved. I once thought i could rely on them for anything. But i seen that they are selfish. When i told them i didnt want to be what they wanted me to be. That i wanted to be who i wanted to be. They essentially done everything they could to try to get me to move.

i got to the point i was about to have a nervous breakdown with the fear of what could come. One night i realized it wasnt worth it anymore. I went to bed at 1am that night. I awoke at 4am, packed my stuff and left. Moved back to my dads. It was better this time. No fighting. He has learned to be more compassionate, more understanding, and be more willing to listen to me. Hes grown a lot. Far from what he needs to be, but a good step in the right direction.

Anyways during my short stay there i started ordering a few items, car parts, items to kill time with. While this was happening dads neighbors dog was being mistreated by her owner. She was chasing the mail man. Which led to packages not being delivered anymore. Which is ridiculous. Thw most important thing was a part to fix my brothers car. It was delayed by a day, and i had to go out of my way to get the package. Quite frankly it pissed me off.

Later that week the neighbor had came down to dads house while we were eating. Being loud, obnoxious, rude and disrespectful. I pretty much ignored him so he would leave. Spoiled my appetite. I went to bed a few hours after he had left and i heard some music playing loud outside. I went to check it out and it was him , oh by the way he was drunk the first time. He took off in his car done two donuts around dads yard and hauled ass down the road. I decided i would intervene if he came back.

A few seconds later he hauled ass back down the road, but went to his house. ,i figured this would be the end of his shenanigans. Nope... he fame running back down to dads back yard. I guess dad said something to him. I was in the house so im not sure. But i called dad about 6 times to see what was going on. He didnt answer. Eventually another neighbor brought the phone inside and told me that he was jumping in dads face about some stupid crap about how he was pissed about something.

I decided that was it. I put my pants, boots on. I walked as fast as i could out the door, with the other neighbor and his girlfriend in suit. I walked up to him, shoved him. He flew back about 15 feet. He laid there shouting what the f*Ck. I waited for about 10 seconds for him to get up. He didnt so i said screw it. I jumped ontop of him. Threw 3 hard hits to the face. He rolled me off him. I got up quicker than he did. I slammed him down on the ground. I threw 5 more punchs to his skull as hard as i could. I knocked him out then restrained him till he agreed he wouldnt do anything if i backed off.

Meanwhile the other neighbor and the rowdy neighbors friend got into it i guess. I never saw it. I got up and knew i had broke my hand. I stood around for a few minutes for the adrenaline to wear down so i could drive to the hospital. The neighbor stayed around, he hit me in the back of the head. It didnt effect the slightest, i didnt even turn around.I guess he realized he couldnt take me after that and he didnt do anything else. Nothing is more of a bitch move than hitting someone from behind. Thankfully, for him, i knew my hand was broke so i didnt fight back. But had my hand not have been broke it wouldve been a different story.

So i went to the hospital got a pill and had to wait 3 days before i could go to the orthopedic. It was broke. Went to the ortho, got an x ray. They said normally in my situation they would recommend surgery. I messed it up pretty bad. They said they could try and reduce it but no guarantee it would stay and i might still need surgery. I opted for the cheaper method, since i didnt have insurance.

I got a shot in my hand, the reduced it, put a cast on and told me to be back in 2 weeks. 5 days later i felt the bone move. But i thought it was just my imagination. I waitied the full two weeks before going back. It had moved. They said they could try again but it would probably move again. I said go ahead i cant afford surgery. The dr on duty came in and mashed around on it. He got it back in place and decided to go ahead and cast it them. Did i mention i didnt get a shot? For 20 minutes i had someone hold my hand on the broken bone to keep it from moving. That was hands down the most painful thing i have ever experienced.

In the end i was in a cast for 8 weeks. Took another 4 weeks for me to regain half my movement back. Its been 5 months now and i still cant close my hand all the way without pain. The bone moved again at some point. it healed at an angle. It looks rough on the x rays. But my fingers straight. When i close my hand it acts a little funny. But i can still use it. Unfortunately i have arthritis in borh my hands now. First thing in the morning i cant hold anything without extreme pain.
Thats just something i will have to live with.

Thats pretty much all the important stuff. Theres little things here and there id like to talk about. But my hands are killing from typing all this so ill leave it here.