Well I don't remember what I wrote so ill just wing it. Things got worse, alot worse. Between my aunt, uncle and I they secluded me. Never were their hatred for me so clear. I started going to my room at 4pm and not coming out till the morning for work. When I was around them I always felt tension, over the last 2 months. I got to point into life where I'm not taking shit from anyone and I'm not helping people who think they're entitled to it anymore.
I had nobody and nothing the last few weeks I was there. They made me dread coming home because they would bitch about how I should've worked longer. They made me feel guilty about eating anything. I got a computer from my Grandma, an old one I helped her replace. I started playing a game and felt great. I had something to look forward to. After using it a week the hard drive failed. So I lost all I had, in terms of contentment. Shortly before this happened my cousin started bringing his gf over.
Now let me backup and say that in the basement is an entertainment area, where games and parties are thrown. None of which I'm ever involved in but that's beside the point. During the winter we took the game system upstairs because it was cold in the basement. Now mind you I have no internet, no cell connection, no cable, and nothing but playing my guitar to do in the basement. So naturally I watched TV in the living room. Now everybody else has TVs. Etc in their rooms. My cousin and his gf and his best friend. The one I hate. Wanted to play the game. So I said after I finish watching the show I would let them. After which I did. Now for the next 2 days it was the same shit. Me coming home letting them play and me having nothing to do. So the next time they asked I told them to take it downstairs as I was watching a show and I'd be going to my room in a few hours.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
6-28-12
Could you imagine what it's like to have everyone in your life betray you? Have no respect for you. When all you have given them is the best of yourself. Could you imagine the constant doubt that comes with betrayal for years? Could you imagine how hard it is to make new friends, when in the back of your head there's a voice saying
" They will betray you. They are lying. You will never see them again. They don't care."
My mother, The person I thought was my friend. Abused me for years, neglected school work. Had miserable living conditions that would've been condemned had authorities been notified. Constantly manipulating for her own personal gain. Complete disregard for her kids.
My Aunt, The next person I though was my friend. More manipulative than my mother. For years I let her come to me when she needed help with anything she couldn't do. I never asked for a thing. I assumed I earned respect and when the time would come she would be there for me. I test this one time and she turns into a completely different person, when I refuse to help her.
My Uncle, The most hopeful of the bunch. He grew up in another family, so I thought he wouldn't be like the rest of the people who grew up in this dysfunctional family. He was the smartest, I looked up to him at one time. I tested him just like my aunt. At this time I was trying to change my life. Trying to stop moving from place to place, trying to have a place I could call home. The last 4 months of living with them they literally tried to make it as miserable as they could for me. They wanted me to move, but I stayed. I tried to work it out. But they would not give an inch. I left so many home comforts behind to stay with them, but it was pointless. Eventually he made it clear, without saying it of course, that if I didn't do what he wanted me to then I had to move.
Now I had clear, sharp counter arguments that showed the hypocrisy, the blatant biast actions he was making. We each sentence I spoke it left him speechless. He hadn't expected for someone to stand up to him. He hadn't noticed how unfair he has been. The damage was already done. There was no reconciling.
My father, I grew up without him in my life. Until I turned 15 that is. He was selfish. I moved in with him but he didn't want me there. He wanted to do nothing buy drink and wanted me out the week after I was there. He has possibly been the worst toll on me. I came to him to try and build a relationship. I sacrificed nearly everything I had grown accustomed to, just to try and be in his life. I went through so many discomforts. In the end he was no different.
My Grandma, Possibly the second worst. I thought I could go to her for anything. We could talk about anything and she would always be there for me. Not the latter half is true, she is here. But over the years I've learned she is like a high schooler. She constantly gossips. Everything I have ever told her has went from her mouth to someone else. People who should not have heard this information. I also found out she has been spying on me. She found every social networking site I had and stalked me. She try's to be close, she doesn't know I know all of this. But I cannot ever talk to her like I had been. I thought I could trust her. I was the only person that helped her do anything around the house for more than 7 years. I guess that wasn't good enough.
My brother, He is as fucked up as me. Except he doesn't have the intelligence that I do. He has sociopathic tendencies, He is very manipulative. He lies constantly, I believe it's to make people think he is smart. Maybe he aspires to be like me in some ways? I'm really not sure. But he is the kind of loser with no job, who will end up in his parents basement till he is 40.
The point of all of this? I'm not sure. I have tried my entire life, but the results are what you see above. I've lost what were my most favorite cousins, my best friends, all in similar manors. I don't understand why it wont work between me and anyone. I try my best with no intentions of getting anything in return. But it always turns out the same.
This has taken a huge toll on my psyche. I still have urges to be around people. I just have a voice in my head saying "whats the point?". For the past 3 years, every day, I have thought of killing myself. There hasn't been a day that has passed in the past 3 years, where I've been happy.
Everyday I spend alone, Eager for bed time. At bed time it all goes away for a few moments. Then I dread bed time, because I know those peaceful moments will pass and misery will resume. I do this every week day. I get eager for the weekend because I don't have to deal with work. But with that comes depression, because I know it will end. Only a few days and it will be back to misery.
I have no happy moments. I put my self in rituals for every day. So I can have that to look forward to. That constant. When they get interrupted I get extremely agitated.
What do I do? I can't Live this way forever. I don't know if I can live this way another year.
My mother, The person I thought was my friend. Abused me for years, neglected school work. Had miserable living conditions that would've been condemned had authorities been notified. Constantly manipulating for her own personal gain. Complete disregard for her kids.
My Aunt, The next person I though was my friend. More manipulative than my mother. For years I let her come to me when she needed help with anything she couldn't do. I never asked for a thing. I assumed I earned respect and when the time would come she would be there for me. I test this one time and she turns into a completely different person, when I refuse to help her.
My Uncle, The most hopeful of the bunch. He grew up in another family, so I thought he wouldn't be like the rest of the people who grew up in this dysfunctional family. He was the smartest, I looked up to him at one time. I tested him just like my aunt. At this time I was trying to change my life. Trying to stop moving from place to place, trying to have a place I could call home. The last 4 months of living with them they literally tried to make it as miserable as they could for me. They wanted me to move, but I stayed. I tried to work it out. But they would not give an inch. I left so many home comforts behind to stay with them, but it was pointless. Eventually he made it clear, without saying it of course, that if I didn't do what he wanted me to then I had to move.
Now I had clear, sharp counter arguments that showed the hypocrisy, the blatant biast actions he was making. We each sentence I spoke it left him speechless. He hadn't expected for someone to stand up to him. He hadn't noticed how unfair he has been. The damage was already done. There was no reconciling.
My father, I grew up without him in my life. Until I turned 15 that is. He was selfish. I moved in with him but he didn't want me there. He wanted to do nothing buy drink and wanted me out the week after I was there. He has possibly been the worst toll on me. I came to him to try and build a relationship. I sacrificed nearly everything I had grown accustomed to, just to try and be in his life. I went through so many discomforts. In the end he was no different.
My Grandma, Possibly the second worst. I thought I could go to her for anything. We could talk about anything and she would always be there for me. Not the latter half is true, she is here. But over the years I've learned she is like a high schooler. She constantly gossips. Everything I have ever told her has went from her mouth to someone else. People who should not have heard this information. I also found out she has been spying on me. She found every social networking site I had and stalked me. She try's to be close, she doesn't know I know all of this. But I cannot ever talk to her like I had been. I thought I could trust her. I was the only person that helped her do anything around the house for more than 7 years. I guess that wasn't good enough.
My brother, He is as fucked up as me. Except he doesn't have the intelligence that I do. He has sociopathic tendencies, He is very manipulative. He lies constantly, I believe it's to make people think he is smart. Maybe he aspires to be like me in some ways? I'm really not sure. But he is the kind of loser with no job, who will end up in his parents basement till he is 40.
The point of all of this? I'm not sure. I have tried my entire life, but the results are what you see above. I've lost what were my most favorite cousins, my best friends, all in similar manors. I don't understand why it wont work between me and anyone. I try my best with no intentions of getting anything in return. But it always turns out the same.
This has taken a huge toll on my psyche. I still have urges to be around people. I just have a voice in my head saying "whats the point?". For the past 3 years, every day, I have thought of killing myself. There hasn't been a day that has passed in the past 3 years, where I've been happy.
Everyday I spend alone, Eager for bed time. At bed time it all goes away for a few moments. Then I dread bed time, because I know those peaceful moments will pass and misery will resume. I do this every week day. I get eager for the weekend because I don't have to deal with work. But with that comes depression, because I know it will end. Only a few days and it will be back to misery.
I have no happy moments. I put my self in rituals for every day. So I can have that to look forward to. That constant. When they get interrupted I get extremely agitated.
What do I do? I can't Live this way forever. I don't know if I can live this way another year.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
2-25-12
I didnt read the previous entry, nor do i remember what was written. If i forget to follow up on something this is why.
So since the last entry i moved from my aunts back to my dads. We werent fighting this time but i was just so sick of the repetitive routine my dad did. It annoyed me. I voiced my opinion in a neutral manner, however this was to no avail.
My grannie and pa got put into the nursing home a few months ago. They needed it, my family couldnt take care of them anymore. Plus seeing people daily and having events is good for them. Them going into the nursing home made me come to a few realizations.
Ive been beating myself up, asking why i must live this way for a few years now. Little did i know that a simple movie on netflix could answer this for me. I watched this movie about these strangers who went to a diner. This diner was waited on by Jesus christ. Through the movie it made me understand a little about God.
I learned that God gives me everything i need to make it, i just have to ask. Anyways i hated myself for this act for a long time. I gave in to temptation time and time again. Knowing it was wrong, but not knowing thw potential impact it had for others involved. At the end of this movie i realized that had this event not occurred, i may not have seen this movie. I may not have asked for forgiveness that night, which little did I know would set off a chain of events that would be what i had asked for.
Prior to my great grandparents going into the nursing home there was waiting on paper work, waiting for rooms to be opened and them to move up the list for months. The day following me askinf for forgiveness my grandma got a call saying my great grandparents could come to the nursing home as soon as they could. She called me and i finally saw. I finally realized what i had known for so long, but never seen myself experience. I saw gods love.
I saw this because as i said the events that have perspired since that call could have only come from god. With them going to the nursing home, their house became vacant. My "mother" was given the privilege of living there rent free, despite my opinion. Regardless this left my grandparents basement open. I cleaned the entire mess that shouldve never been for 3 solid 8 hour days. I pulled the old carpet, installed new carpet. Now this basement is what my grandparents deserved all along. Clean.
I moved in shortly after. I finally had the independence I had been seeking. Im responsible for what i eat, when i sleep, what i do. I love it. However it has lead me to see that, the annoyances i had dealt with ahouldnt havent been that bad. Because little did i expect that this independence would come hand in hand with loneliness.
Sure my grandma is above. But her mind is slipping, she cant think rationally anymore and overall she has went downhill health wise.
But with this loneliness came motivation. Motivation to become the person Ive seen myself as for a long time. But nobody else has seen. Ive went down 2 pant sizes in the first monrh of living here. Ive also started p90x. Im about to start week 3 of the program. Im hoping to losing 60-100lbs and be in good shape.
I believe doing this will lead me to finding a girlfriend, which will rid me of loneliness. But this cant happen till i lose weight. Because I need a girl to see my for who i am. And i am not this fat person.
So enough about that. I have not made contact with my aunt or any of them since i moved. I once thought i could rely on them for anything. But i seen that they are selfish. When i told them i didnt want to be what they wanted me to be. That i wanted to be who i wanted to be. They essentially done everything they could to try to get me to move.
i got to the point i was about to have a nervous breakdown with the fear of what could come. One night i realized it wasnt worth it anymore. I went to bed at 1am that night. I awoke at 4am, packed my stuff and left. Moved back to my dads. It was better this time. No fighting. He has learned to be more compassionate, more understanding, and be more willing to listen to me. Hes grown a lot. Far from what he needs to be, but a good step in the right direction.
Anyways during my short stay there i started ordering a few items, car parts, items to kill time with. While this was happening dads neighbors dog was being mistreated by her owner. She was chasing the mail man. Which led to packages not being delivered anymore. Which is ridiculous. Thw most important thing was a part to fix my brothers car. It was delayed by a day, and i had to go out of my way to get the package. Quite frankly it pissed me off.
Later that week the neighbor had came down to dads house while we were eating. Being loud, obnoxious, rude and disrespectful. I pretty much ignored him so he would leave. Spoiled my appetite. I went to bed a few hours after he had left and i heard some music playing loud outside. I went to check it out and it was him , oh by the way he was drunk the first time. He took off in his car done two donuts around dads yard and hauled ass down the road. I decided i would intervene if he came back.
A few seconds later he hauled ass back down the road, but went to his house. ,i figured this would be the end of his shenanigans. Nope... he fame running back down to dads back yard. I guess dad said something to him. I was in the house so im not sure. But i called dad about 6 times to see what was going on. He didnt answer. Eventually another neighbor brought the phone inside and told me that he was jumping in dads face about some stupid crap about how he was pissed about something.
I decided that was it. I put my pants, boots on. I walked as fast as i could out the door, with the other neighbor and his girlfriend in suit. I walked up to him, shoved him. He flew back about 15 feet. He laid there shouting what the f*Ck. I waited for about 10 seconds for him to get up. He didnt so i said screw it. I jumped ontop of him. Threw 3 hard hits to the face. He rolled me off him. I got up quicker than he did. I slammed him down on the ground. I threw 5 more punchs to his skull as hard as i could. I knocked him out then restrained him till he agreed he wouldnt do anything if i backed off.
Meanwhile the other neighbor and the rowdy neighbors friend got into it i guess. I never saw it. I got up and knew i had broke my hand. I stood around for a few minutes for the adrenaline to wear down so i could drive to the hospital. The neighbor stayed around, he hit me in the back of the head. It didnt effect the slightest, i didnt even turn around.I guess he realized he couldnt take me after that and he didnt do anything else. Nothing is more of a bitch move than hitting someone from behind. Thankfully, for him, i knew my hand was broke so i didnt fight back. But had my hand not have been broke it wouldve been a different story.
So i went to the hospital got a pill and had to wait 3 days before i could go to the orthopedic. It was broke. Went to the ortho, got an x ray. They said normally in my situation they would recommend surgery. I messed it up pretty bad. They said they could try and reduce it but no guarantee it would stay and i might still need surgery. I opted for the cheaper method, since i didnt have insurance.
I got a shot in my hand, the reduced it, put a cast on and told me to be back in 2 weeks. 5 days later i felt the bone move. But i thought it was just my imagination. I waitied the full two weeks before going back. It had moved. They said they could try again but it would probably move again. I said go ahead i cant afford surgery. The dr on duty came in and mashed around on it. He got it back in place and decided to go ahead and cast it them. Did i mention i didnt get a shot? For 20 minutes i had someone hold my hand on the broken bone to keep it from moving. That was hands down the most painful thing i have ever experienced.
In the end i was in a cast for 8 weeks. Took another 4 weeks for me to regain half my movement back. Its been 5 months now and i still cant close my hand all the way without pain. The bone moved again at some point. it healed at an angle. It looks rough on the x rays. But my fingers straight. When i close my hand it acts a little funny. But i can still use it. Unfortunately i have arthritis in borh my hands now. First thing in the morning i cant hold anything without extreme pain.
Thats just something i will have to live with.
Thats pretty much all the important stuff. Theres little things here and there id like to talk about. But my hands are killing from typing all this so ill leave it here.
So since the last entry i moved from my aunts back to my dads. We werent fighting this time but i was just so sick of the repetitive routine my dad did. It annoyed me. I voiced my opinion in a neutral manner, however this was to no avail.
My grannie and pa got put into the nursing home a few months ago. They needed it, my family couldnt take care of them anymore. Plus seeing people daily and having events is good for them. Them going into the nursing home made me come to a few realizations.
Ive been beating myself up, asking why i must live this way for a few years now. Little did i know that a simple movie on netflix could answer this for me. I watched this movie about these strangers who went to a diner. This diner was waited on by Jesus christ. Through the movie it made me understand a little about God.
I learned that God gives me everything i need to make it, i just have to ask. Anyways i hated myself for this act for a long time. I gave in to temptation time and time again. Knowing it was wrong, but not knowing thw potential impact it had for others involved. At the end of this movie i realized that had this event not occurred, i may not have seen this movie. I may not have asked for forgiveness that night, which little did I know would set off a chain of events that would be what i had asked for.
Prior to my great grandparents going into the nursing home there was waiting on paper work, waiting for rooms to be opened and them to move up the list for months. The day following me askinf for forgiveness my grandma got a call saying my great grandparents could come to the nursing home as soon as they could. She called me and i finally saw. I finally realized what i had known for so long, but never seen myself experience. I saw gods love.
I saw this because as i said the events that have perspired since that call could have only come from god. With them going to the nursing home, their house became vacant. My "mother" was given the privilege of living there rent free, despite my opinion. Regardless this left my grandparents basement open. I cleaned the entire mess that shouldve never been for 3 solid 8 hour days. I pulled the old carpet, installed new carpet. Now this basement is what my grandparents deserved all along. Clean.
I moved in shortly after. I finally had the independence I had been seeking. Im responsible for what i eat, when i sleep, what i do. I love it. However it has lead me to see that, the annoyances i had dealt with ahouldnt havent been that bad. Because little did i expect that this independence would come hand in hand with loneliness.
Sure my grandma is above. But her mind is slipping, she cant think rationally anymore and overall she has went downhill health wise.
But with this loneliness came motivation. Motivation to become the person Ive seen myself as for a long time. But nobody else has seen. Ive went down 2 pant sizes in the first monrh of living here. Ive also started p90x. Im about to start week 3 of the program. Im hoping to losing 60-100lbs and be in good shape.
I believe doing this will lead me to finding a girlfriend, which will rid me of loneliness. But this cant happen till i lose weight. Because I need a girl to see my for who i am. And i am not this fat person.
So enough about that. I have not made contact with my aunt or any of them since i moved. I once thought i could rely on them for anything. But i seen that they are selfish. When i told them i didnt want to be what they wanted me to be. That i wanted to be who i wanted to be. They essentially done everything they could to try to get me to move.
i got to the point i was about to have a nervous breakdown with the fear of what could come. One night i realized it wasnt worth it anymore. I went to bed at 1am that night. I awoke at 4am, packed my stuff and left. Moved back to my dads. It was better this time. No fighting. He has learned to be more compassionate, more understanding, and be more willing to listen to me. Hes grown a lot. Far from what he needs to be, but a good step in the right direction.
Anyways during my short stay there i started ordering a few items, car parts, items to kill time with. While this was happening dads neighbors dog was being mistreated by her owner. She was chasing the mail man. Which led to packages not being delivered anymore. Which is ridiculous. Thw most important thing was a part to fix my brothers car. It was delayed by a day, and i had to go out of my way to get the package. Quite frankly it pissed me off.
Later that week the neighbor had came down to dads house while we were eating. Being loud, obnoxious, rude and disrespectful. I pretty much ignored him so he would leave. Spoiled my appetite. I went to bed a few hours after he had left and i heard some music playing loud outside. I went to check it out and it was him , oh by the way he was drunk the first time. He took off in his car done two donuts around dads yard and hauled ass down the road. I decided i would intervene if he came back.
A few seconds later he hauled ass back down the road, but went to his house. ,i figured this would be the end of his shenanigans. Nope... he fame running back down to dads back yard. I guess dad said something to him. I was in the house so im not sure. But i called dad about 6 times to see what was going on. He didnt answer. Eventually another neighbor brought the phone inside and told me that he was jumping in dads face about some stupid crap about how he was pissed about something.
I decided that was it. I put my pants, boots on. I walked as fast as i could out the door, with the other neighbor and his girlfriend in suit. I walked up to him, shoved him. He flew back about 15 feet. He laid there shouting what the f*Ck. I waited for about 10 seconds for him to get up. He didnt so i said screw it. I jumped ontop of him. Threw 3 hard hits to the face. He rolled me off him. I got up quicker than he did. I slammed him down on the ground. I threw 5 more punchs to his skull as hard as i could. I knocked him out then restrained him till he agreed he wouldnt do anything if i backed off.
Meanwhile the other neighbor and the rowdy neighbors friend got into it i guess. I never saw it. I got up and knew i had broke my hand. I stood around for a few minutes for the adrenaline to wear down so i could drive to the hospital. The neighbor stayed around, he hit me in the back of the head. It didnt effect the slightest, i didnt even turn around.I guess he realized he couldnt take me after that and he didnt do anything else. Nothing is more of a bitch move than hitting someone from behind. Thankfully, for him, i knew my hand was broke so i didnt fight back. But had my hand not have been broke it wouldve been a different story.
So i went to the hospital got a pill and had to wait 3 days before i could go to the orthopedic. It was broke. Went to the ortho, got an x ray. They said normally in my situation they would recommend surgery. I messed it up pretty bad. They said they could try and reduce it but no guarantee it would stay and i might still need surgery. I opted for the cheaper method, since i didnt have insurance.
I got a shot in my hand, the reduced it, put a cast on and told me to be back in 2 weeks. 5 days later i felt the bone move. But i thought it was just my imagination. I waitied the full two weeks before going back. It had moved. They said they could try again but it would probably move again. I said go ahead i cant afford surgery. The dr on duty came in and mashed around on it. He got it back in place and decided to go ahead and cast it them. Did i mention i didnt get a shot? For 20 minutes i had someone hold my hand on the broken bone to keep it from moving. That was hands down the most painful thing i have ever experienced.
In the end i was in a cast for 8 weeks. Took another 4 weeks for me to regain half my movement back. Its been 5 months now and i still cant close my hand all the way without pain. The bone moved again at some point. it healed at an angle. It looks rough on the x rays. But my fingers straight. When i close my hand it acts a little funny. But i can still use it. Unfortunately i have arthritis in borh my hands now. First thing in the morning i cant hold anything without extreme pain.
Thats just something i will have to live with.
Thats pretty much all the important stuff. Theres little things here and there id like to talk about. But my hands are killing from typing all this so ill leave it here.
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