my life update 1-23-11

So where do I began? Well since the last update my dad and I got into another fight, while he was drunk of course. I ended up doing things I shouldn't have and moved out. I'm now at my aunts again. Since the day I moved in here, about 3 months ago, I have hated it. I didn't want to move here but it was my last resort.

I am no longer part of this family like I once was. I wasn't welcomed into this house the day I moved. I cleaned for 4 days of filth from parties and garbage. Not one single day did anyone in this household offer to lift a single finger to help, that put a sour film over me living here. I do not get asked if I would like to go to my cousins ball games, and when I do go without asking I feel I don't belong there. Despite not having anything to eat (literally) I don't get asked if I would like something from a fast food restaurant after their ball games or otherwise. Despite me being here without eating all day. They went camping a few months ago, and rudely left without offering for me to go. They are going to Florida on vacation this summer. I am not invited of asked if I'd like to go. I've never been on vacation, nor have I been out of my state so it would be refreshing to go. But I've accepted the fact I'm no longer considered their family member.

As a result I am planning on moving out on my own, as soon as I'm financially able to. See we have not worked in the past 2 months due to not having jobs. I have resorted to borrowing money equal to what I had borrowed and paid off 4 months ago. The only difference this time is that I make more money than I did so I will be able to pay it off quicker. After I do that I plan on saving my monthly bills in 3 months in advance, to prevent me from needing to borrow money and I will allow myself at least $650 to fall back on in case work slows or stops completely. Then I will proceed to look for me a place, save the rent, utilities, food,and gas money at least 3 months in advance before I move. So I should be financially set after that.

As far as college goes, I've moved from wanting to work on computers to wanting to work on car engines. In the past year I've done tons of research watched tons of videos and learned a huge deal about the mechanics of a internal combustion engine. And I must say it does seem to be a career I'd enjoy. However my plans of going to college have ceased, because I have motivation to go. I know it's smart, I know I'll be better off in the long run. But my current occupation will pay twice as much or more within the next 5 years, than the college route would in 20.

Maybe I'll go one day, but right now isn't the time.

As far as the relationship with my dad goes, we are closer than ever. I think he finally grew up a little towards me and realizes that I am a very intelligent adult, and not a 2 year old anyone. I am planning to purchase parts for my truck and me and him will work on it together. Hopefully we will grow from the experience. I also plan on letting him help me find a place instead of letting my grandma help (who's smarter than him) or doing it on my own in hopes our relationship will prosper from the events.

I have sold my laptop and nearly everything else I own to compensate for not working. It's something I didn't want to do. But it had to be done.

I have only talked to the girl I loved once since last time and that was 3 days ago. She text me and wanted to catch up. She claims she misses me, but I'm reluctant to believe that. Nevertheless I'm considering starting to talk to her again on a semi regular basis, the reason is in the next paragraph, but on still thinking about that.

Since I've been here not working I've become completely depressed. Work was all I had in my life that I looked forward to, and now that's gone till God knows when. I've hung out with my cousins friend's and I like them. I think they like me but are skeptical as to my personality so they tread carefully around me. Mainly hanging out with them when they are over makes me realize how lonely I am. I literally have no one in my life to talk to about my feelings. I have no reason to wakeup, and nothing to look forward to. I dread going to be, dread waking up, dread being around anyone. Im sure I'm depressed. I've had severe migraines everyday twice a day for two weeks. One that nothing will fix, and everything is painful. I've had heartburn every night for the past week. I've also lost weight this year. I rarely eat now, when I do it's not much. Most people gain weight over the holidays, I lost weight. I lost 8 pounds from Christmas to new years. I ate plentiful at Christmas. I have puffed out every day this past week, eating probably 4000 calories everyday. I still lost 2 pounds since I last weighed. So I'm sure I lost nearly 20 pounds in a month. Also I have basically had no activity while eating that much food.

I know I need to workout but I have no motivation to do so.

Basically Ive lost my family, lost all my friend's, have no one to talk to, no one to care, no motive to eat,no motive to workout, no motive to live. I've seriously contemplated suicide this month, every day I think about it. If I had money to buy a gun, I probably would have done it already. I'm to my breaking point with everyone, I get extremely aggravated at Poole with anything they say. And I'm to the point to where I could kill anyone or myself in the blink of an eye.

And that scares me. Because that is not who I am, I do not think like that. I have lost my personality this past year and I'm afraid I'll never be myself again or this will be me forever. I'm wanting to get drunk every night, but don't have the money. I'm scared I will turn into my dad.

I'm depressed and I scare myself of what I have become.

I have not had a genuine smile, and been happy in over a year. I just need someone in my life, I'm sure that could solve the problem. I've made mild efforts to talk to people on MySpace and Facebook but they see my picture and judge me instantly so they don't talk to me. I'm at the end of my rope and don't know what to do. I'm depressed and scared.