6-28-12

Could you imagine what it's like to have everyone in your life betray you? Have no respect for you. When all you have given them is the best of yourself. Could you imagine the constant doubt that comes with betrayal for years? Could you imagine how hard it is to make new friends, when in the back of your head there's a voice saying " They will betray you. They are lying. You will never see them again. They don't care."

My mother, The person I thought was my friend. Abused me for years, neglected school work. Had miserable living conditions that would've been condemned had authorities been notified. Constantly manipulating for her own personal gain. Complete disregard for her kids.

My Aunt, The next person I though was my friend. More manipulative than my mother. For years I let her come to me when she needed help with anything she couldn't do. I never asked for a thing. I assumed I earned respect and when the time would come she would be there for me. I test this one time and she turns into a completely different person, when I refuse to help her.

My Uncle, The most hopeful of the bunch. He grew up in another family, so I thought he wouldn't be like the rest of the people who grew up in this dysfunctional family. He was the smartest, I looked up to him at one time. I tested him just like my aunt. At this time I was trying to change my life. Trying to stop moving from place to place, trying to have a place I could call home. The last 4 months of living with them they literally tried to make it as miserable as they could for me. They wanted me to move, but I stayed. I tried to work it out. But they would not give an inch. I left so many home comforts behind to stay with them, but it was pointless. Eventually he made it clear, without saying it of course, that if I didn't do what he wanted me to then I had to move.

Now I had clear, sharp counter arguments that showed the hypocrisy, the blatant biast actions he was making. We each sentence I spoke it left him speechless. He hadn't expected for someone to stand up to him. He hadn't noticed how unfair he has been. The damage was already done. There was no reconciling.

My father, I grew up without him in my life. Until I turned 15 that is. He was selfish. I moved in with him but he didn't want me there. He wanted to do nothing buy drink and wanted me out the week after I was there. He has possibly been the worst toll on me. I came to him to try and build a relationship. I sacrificed nearly everything I had grown accustomed to, just to try and be in his life. I went through so many discomforts. In the end he was no different.

My Grandma, Possibly the second worst. I thought I could go to her for anything. We could talk about anything and she would always be there for me. Not the latter half is true, she is here. But over the years I've learned she is like a high schooler. She constantly gossips. Everything I have ever told her has went from her mouth to someone else. People who should not have heard this information. I also found out she has been spying on me. She found every social networking site I had and stalked me. She try's to be close, she doesn't know I know all of this. But I cannot ever talk to her like I had been. I thought I could trust her. I was the only person that helped her do anything around the house for more than 7 years. I guess that wasn't good enough.

My brother, He is as fucked up as me. Except he doesn't have the intelligence that I do. He has sociopathic tendencies, He is very manipulative. He lies constantly, I believe it's to make people think he is smart. Maybe he aspires to be like me in some ways? I'm really not sure. But he is the kind of loser with no job, who will end up in his parents basement till he is 40.

The point of all of this? I'm not sure. I have tried my entire life, but the results are what you see above. I've lost what were my most favorite cousins, my best friends, all in similar manors. I don't understand why it wont work between me and anyone. I try my best with no intentions of getting anything in return. But it always turns out the same.

This has taken a huge toll on my psyche. I still have urges to be around people. I just have a voice in my head saying "whats the point?". For the past 3 years, every day, I have thought of killing myself. There hasn't been a day that has passed in the past 3 years, where I've been happy.

Everyday I spend alone, Eager for bed time. At bed time it all goes away for a few moments. Then I dread bed time, because I know those peaceful moments will pass and misery will resume. I do this every week day. I get eager for the weekend because I don't have to deal with work. But with that comes depression, because I know it will end. Only a few days and it will be back to misery.

I have no happy moments. I put my self in rituals for every day. So I can have that to look forward to. That constant. When they get interrupted I get extremely agitated.

What do I do? I can't Live this way forever. I don't know if I can live this way another year.