7-4-14

So I deleted all the posts that contained information about my ex a while back, I can't remember why I did, but I'll give a run down of what happened then get into the long story about where I am today.

We met in july of 2012, we talked for 4 months before meeting. Everything was great between us, we felt a real connection. Her parents however were extremely controlling, they didn't like having the feeling someone could take their baby away. The looked for any little reason to nit pick at us being together and saying I'm a bad guy, eventually it got to my ex and we broke up.

In the haste I done some pretty screwed up things, things I regret and wish I could take back. But I know this is just something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. There is no apologizing, there is no making amends. It will be a burden on my mind until the day I die.

After us breaking up I fell into hard times, some of the hardest of my life. I started drinking, cutting myself, I attempted suicide 8 times. I eventually moved back to my dads so I could cope and not do something stupid again. I stopped talking for weeks at a time, could barely eat. I couldn't work or do anything. After 8 months I started getting better but I wasn't the same anymore.

I went back home and it was tough, her memories still raided my mind every space in my house. But I learned to deal, I had to start taking sleeping meds or I couldn't sleep at all. I was getting maybe 6 hours a week before I started taking them. After years of begging for help I finally took it upon myself to get antidepressants. I was on them for 8 months, they helped a lot but I started feeling dependant on them. So I quit taking them cold turkey. I had withdrawals but I knew it was best to stop.

Ever since my first suicide attempt I haven't been the same. Maybe it was the blood loss to my brain that killed cells, I don't know. But I know I'm just not the same anymore and haven't been for the past year and a half. I can't remember where I put things, words I say, it has changed my personality but that is partly because of all the stuff I've dealt with too. It is hard to describe, but I no longer feel attached to myself after my attempt.

I had my wreck in the midst of all that and lost my truck. Ended up totalling $18k in debt not counting my truck. Even though it wasn't my fault, insurance wouldn't pay me anything. I had 6 months off work, bills pilled up and got nothing except pain and my life going downhill. Going through two lawyers didn't help me any, nobody cared, like that surprises me.

I ended up having to file bankruptcy, my credit was already ruined. I spent three years building to 750, paying everything on time and in one move by a dumbass my life plan had changed. Not my credit score is 580 and I just went to court last week. Work being slow, dealing with stuff I shouldn't have been made me quit my job.

Now here I am unemployed, borrowing money every week from my grandma just to pay bills. I never wanted to borrow from her but I have no choice now. I have applied to over 30 places the past month and no leads yet.

Now to the other half of the story at this time, I met about 10 girls in person. 2 became official and I had sex with 3 of them. I felt something with the last one after talking to nearly 100 after my ex broke up. I felt like we really could've went somewhere. But she done the same thing my ex did and that is something I can't forgive, cheating.

I broke up with her and it literally killed me. I have no desire to be with anyone any more, I'm essentially done. I have learned something throughtout all of this. I'm not near as good a person as I once thought, nobody wants to be with me and I'm a burden.

Right now I am not being productive with anything, I am depressed, jobless, single, no friends, borrowing money every week. Honestly the world would be better off with me gone. If I could get rid of the fear of no knowing what comes next at that last moment I would be. I'm nothing but a problem, no matter how hard I try or what I do. I just cannot get ahead in life.

For every stride I think I take I get knocked down. It has been this way all my life and I'm tired of it. I'm becoming bitter, hateful, furious. I wish every night for someone to die or myself. I just want to go to bed and not wake up, I'm tired of living life this way. Having a dream and fighting for it to only get nowhere, farther back than where I started now. I wish those suicide doctors were still legal because I would go to one.

I have sold everything I can, I have exhausted every resource and chance I can get and nothing is changing. My life is just going downhill more and more. What will I do? If what I am now is the result of the past few years what will I become before I die? That scares me and I don't want to live to see it.